Hapless Heartland Homeboy

I’m a six-pack cowboy ridin the range between beer joints in my loud pickup truck

I work a hard outside job for my money while shrugging off yet another hangover

smoke my Marboros because they’re made fer us tough but lonely cowboys

hawk up green slyme and casually toss my butts straight down on the ground

don’t trust them slick liberal boys in ther fancy new york suits

grew up in crowded apartments but replanted my roots to the country

been divorced three times and I’m way behind on alimony and child support

Budweiser is still the king of beers and NASCAR is the greatest sport ever

support our boys overseas protectin us from them sick terrorist sonsabitches

love that Oscar Meyer bologna on white bread with a little Frinch’s mustard

got a friend who cooks up good meth in his trailer down by the interstate

My girlfriend sometimes even cleans the toilet when she’s on that stuff

lost my license on another DUI and I still cain’t afford no car insurance

had three teeth pulled but it dinit hurt too much what with the Vicadin and beer

not really a part of the trash I live and work and play and sleep in ever day

My story don’t sound too bad when I’m sitting on a barstool durin happy hour

need new tires on the pickup and the muffler and the bumper are falling off

get 127 channels from the dish on the big screen I financed down to the mall

was late on the rent again but did charge the little lady a new weight loss plan

tore up my old credit card and got me anothern with no interest - fer 3 months!

lost my last job because of the goddamn terrorists and them yellow librals

Found a really old speeding ticket underneath the truck seat after my arrest

got them presents on sale late on Christmas eve over to the Wal-Mart

Left that puppy behind at the last rental after it shit all over the house and yard

got two boys who cain’t read but damn shore know how ta fight

They don’t do too good in school, but then, it looks like I turned out all right

smacked the old lady in the eye after we got home late from drinking

Then she used up our whole dam phone card bawling to her fat, slutty mother

got some dents and primer paint on the pickup but it still looks like a fightin vehicle

Boy, the sound of that country music makes me wanna drain off this last beer

like to look down on women’s legs in their little cars from my pickup’s seat

Praise Jesus and fuck that evolution cuz I ain’t kin ta no damn monkeys

like to fish and hunt and love to go camp in the great outdoors

save money by changing my oil in the woods right nexta where I dump my trash

got guns to protect me from when them black helicopters come

I say we get the USA out of the damn UN and the stinkin UN out of the USA

making less but gas and rent and food and cable cost more all the time

have to say I’m pretty satisfied with the way that things are goin

rolled all my bills into one monthly payment and the bar still cashes my paycheck

My 14 year old daughter run away and got knocked up by some ugly truck driver

want to trade in my snow machine on a Harley as soon as it warms up

There’s yellow shit underneath my toenails and scabs that don’t heal on my arms

I never took no welfare but I gotta say we did camp out for a while last summer

We took baths with paper towels in the restrooms down ta the Conoco

slapped the wife around for buying kids clothes at the Goodwill

don’t buy much flour or rice but we do eat a lotta Doritos and Reese’s Cups

don’t see no big-boy pickups in fronta Starbucks buying them gimmick lattes

Health food aint nethin but expensive BS fer queers and dumbass liberals

think my eyes are still good cuz I don’t set there reading all the time

Got my tax refund early from a payday loaner and bought the kids a xBox

couldn’t be cooped up in some office all day long at some freakin’ little desk

I’ll take the freedom to piss all over a different construction site every summer

I say God Bless America! and you cain love her or you cain just go ahead and leave her

Do’t cared that all my clothes are made in China and my gas money funds them tearwrists

don’t give a shit about no pollution and Hey! What has any damn polar bear ever done fer me?

The old lady’s got a little sugar but she’s still two full tons of real fun

took the kids to Vegas on vacation last time I got unemployment

Jimmy Jr split his head wide open while I was inside playing blackjack

caught somethin nasty from the waitress down ta the Dew Drop Inn

Told the wife I got bit up when I was out hunting with the boys

almost bought me a pre-fab but thanks ta the liberals, the gotdamn loan fell through

My sister has six kids and her old man run off three years ago

gonna get me a little spread and one of them fancy ridin lawnmowers

My dumbass kid just got his nose pierced and has a tattoo of a skull

keep a pistol o the passenger seat on my way to work, jest in case

The brother-in-law went to jail for gettin beat up in a bar by an off-duty cop

like to relax by sliding dollar bills down inside exotic dancers panties

The house is full of roaches and the fuckin’ landlord just don’t care

got drunk and dropped the turkey so I slapped the shit outta the kids

Went down to the tavern and left the boys in the truck with Big Gulps

forgot about the damn school play and bawled the wife out for being late with dinner

There’s hairs all stuck in some dried up yellow crud on our bathroom floor

won’t smoke no cheap-ass generic cigarettes just to save 50 cents a pack

always buy me a couple of lotto tickets, just in case, you know, heh-heh

swore off going to any church but I talk with jesus most every day

Thick, curly hair is growin at funny angles out my ears and my nose

don’t own no damn computer and I say screw the whole fekin Internet

So, let’s round up all them Mexicans and make the Homos string ‘em up

pissed a little blood on Sunday morning and got this cough that don’t go away

The kids got sent home from school again becausa them damn head lice

still like my beer but you can jest toss them vegetables out for the rabbits

My buddy broke a bottle on my forehead and we still don’t remember why

I’m 5’9” and 160 lbs. of evil little fuckup and I threaten bicycles with my pickup

Just the other day I run down two stray cats who couldn’t move fast enough

got grease under my fingernails and I’m white as a ghost under my wife-beater shirt

got no more butt left but I’m working on a real nice little beer belly

pitch them McDonald wrappers straight out the truck as I lick my dirty fingers clean

fity oz Mountain Dews keep me goin through them tough afternoons at the job

don’t know no percents, fractions are real small and I don’t count my change

Sumbuddy’s gotta have a money angle on this bullshit global warming stuff

got a bald spot under my ball cap but I don’t need no goddamn Viagra, baby

My mom has a little trailer where she watches Survivor and sips her Bourbon

chased a deer for an hour on my snowmobile before we run outta beer

Without no health insurance, we just take the kids down ta the ER whenever they get hurt

Abortion’s a gotdam sin, flag burning surely a crime and the 10 commandments are the law

I say we nuke them mothfakers first and then maybe later try to sort it out

we got to stop the queers and liberals from overrunning the whole damn country

Let’s just go over there and take all their shittin’ oil and shut them the fuck right up

To hell with recycling - until you pay me for it, I got better things to do

often fall asleep on the couch and snore with my mouth open and the TV on

don’t own no suit, cant tie no tie and don’t wear no fancy damn cologne

got leathery wrinkles on the back of my skinny, sunburned neck

like to whip somebody’s ass and I don’t want no more Anger Management class

got me a real job building townhomes for some dumbass urban numbnuts

don’t do no housework but I make some mean burgers on the grill

Too much school turns you into some kind of friggin’ pussy

warm up the truck for ten minutes outside the apartment when it’s cold

Rentin videos and a bag of potato chips are cheaper than a babysitter

try to splash the fuckin joggers when I drive by em in the rain

why would anybody in their right mind ever go for a stinkin’ walk

got a thing going with Lois who sells us doughnuts at the job site

like to build me a deck off the modular and put up one of them bubbly hottubs

don’t take no gotdam vitamins or put some silly shit on my hands

school says Ricky needs glasses but it ain’t none of their damn business

some fucker tried to trick me into a payment plan for braces for the kid

the old lady’s veins are all swol up and her ankles are getting real fat

we got us a family bible standing up by the DVDs in the entertainment center

you shoulda seen the tits on that blonde in the magazine in the portapotty

like to trade in my old pickup on a brand new Silverado if I could get the credit

gonna buy me a boat and take the whole family fishin’ out to the lake

ruint the carpet at the last place but the landlord screwed us so we didn’t clean it

got $18 and a half a tank of gas that’s gonna last me ‘til this friday