Hapless Heartland Homeboy

I’m a six-pack cowboy ridin the range between beer joints in my loud pickup truck

I work a hard outside job for my money while shrugging off yet another hangover

smoke my Marboros because they’re made fer us tough but lonely cowboys

hawk up green slyme and casually toss my butts straight down on the ground

don’t trust them slick liberal boys in ther fancy new york suits

grew up in crowded apartments but replanted my roots to the country

been divorced three times and I’m way behind on alimony and child support

Budweiser is still the king of beers and NASCAR is the greatest sport ever

support our boys overseas protectin us from them sick terrorist sonsabitches

love that Oscar Meyer bologna on white bread with a little Frinch’s mustard

got a friend who cooks up good meth in his trailer down by the interstate

My girlfriend sometimes even cleans the toilet when she’s on that stuff

lost my license on another DUI and I still cain’t afford no car insurance

had three teeth pulled but it dinit hurt too much what with the Vicadin and beer

not really a part of the trash I live and work and play and sleep in ever day

My story don’t sound too bad when I’m sitting on a barstool durin happy hour

need new tires on the pickup and the muffler and the bumper are falling off

get 127 channels from the dish on the big screen I financed down to the mall

was late on the rent again but did charge the little lady a new weight loss plan

tore up my old credit card and got me anothern with no interest - fer 3 months!

lost my last job because of the goddamn terrorists and them yellow librals

Found a really old speeding ticket underneath the truck seat after my arrest

got them presents on sale late on Christmas eve over to the Wal-Mart

Left that puppy behind at the last rental after it shit all over the house and yard

got two boys who cain’t read but damn shore know how ta fight

They don’t do too good in school, but then, it looks like I turned out all right

smacked the old lady in the eye after we got home late from drinking

Then she used up our whole dam phone card bawling to her fat, slutty mother

got some dents and primer paint on the pickup but it still looks like a fightin vehicle

Boy, the sound of that country music makes me wanna drain off this last beer

like to look down on women’s legs in their little cars from my pickup’s seat

Praise Jesus and fuck that evolution cuz I ain’t kin ta no damn monkeys

like to fish and hunt and love to go camp in the great outdoors

save money by changing my oil in the woods right nexta where I dump my trash

got guns to protect me from when them black helicopters come

I say we get the USA out of the damn UN and the stinkin UN out of the USA

making less but gas and rent and food and cable cost more all the time

have to say I’m pretty satisfied with the way that things are goin

rolled all my bills into one monthly payment and the bar still cashes my paycheck

My 14 year old daughter run away and got knocked up by some ugly truck driver

want to trade in my snow machine on a Harley as soon as it warms up

There’s yellow shit underneath my toenails and scabs that don’t heal on my arms

I never took no welfare but I gotta say we did camp out for a while last summer

We took baths with paper towels in the restrooms down ta the Conoco

slapped the wife around for buying kids clothes at the Goodwill

don’t buy much flour or rice but we do eat a lotta Doritos and Reese’s Cups

don’t see no big-boy pickups in fronta Starbucks buying them gimmick lattes

Health food aint nethin but expensive BS fer queers and dumbass liberals

think my eyes are still good cuz I don’t set there reading all the time

Got my tax refund early from a payday loaner and bought the kids a xBox

couldn’t be cooped up in some office all day long at some freakin’ little desk

I’ll take the freedom to piss all over a different construction site every summer

I say God Bless America! and you cain love her or you cain just go ahead and leave her

Do’t cared that all my clothes are made in China and my gas money funds them tearwrists

don’t give a shit about no pollution and Hey! What has any damn polar bear ever done fer me?

The old lady’s got a little sugar but she’s still two full tons of real fun

took the kids to Vegas on vacation last time I got unemployment

Jimmy Jr split his head wide open while I was inside playing blackjack

caught somethin nasty from the waitress down ta the Dew Drop Inn

Told the wife I got bit up when I was out hunting with the boys

almost bought me a pre-fab but thanks ta the liberals, the gotdamn loan fell through

My sister has six kids and her old man run off three years ago

gonna get me a little spread and one of them fancy ridin lawnmowers

My dumbass kid just got his nose pierced and has a tattoo of a skull

keep a pistol o the passenger seat on my way to work, jest in case

The brother-in-law went to jail for gettin beat up in a bar by an off-duty cop

like to relax by sliding dollar bills down inside exotic dancers panties

The house is full of roaches and the fuckin’ landlord just don’t care

got drunk and dropped the turkey so I slapped the shit outta the kids

Went down to the tavern and left the boys in the truck with Big Gulps

forgot about the damn school play and bawled the wife out for being late with dinner

There’s hairs all stuck in some dried up yellow crud on our bathroom floor

won’t smoke no cheap-ass generic cigarettes just to save 50 cents a pack

always buy me a couple of lotto tickets, just in case, you know, heh-heh

swore off going to any church but I talk with jesus most every day

Thick, curly hair is growin at funny angles out my ears and my nose

don’t own no damn computer and I say screw the whole fekin Internet

So, let’s round up all them Mexicans and make the Homos string ‘em up

pissed a little blood on Sunday morning and got this cough that don’t go away

The kids got sent home from school again becausa them damn head lice

still like my beer but you can jest toss them vegetables out for the rabbits

My buddy broke a bottle on my forehead and we still don’t remember why

I’m 5’9” and 160 lbs. of evil little fuckup and I threaten bicycles with my pickup

Just the other day I run down two stray cats who couldn’t move fast enough

got grease under my fingernails and I’m white as a ghost under my wife-beater shirt

got no more butt left but I’m working on a real nice little beer belly

pitch them McDonald wrappers straight out the truck as I lick my dirty fingers clean

fity oz Mountain Dews keep me goin through them tough afternoons at the job

don’t know no percents, fractions are real small and I don’t count my change

Sumbuddy’s gotta have a money angle on this bullshit global warming stuff

got a bald spot under my ball cap but I don’t need no goddamn Viagra, baby

My mom has a little trailer where she watches Survivor and sips her Bourbon

chased a deer for an hour on my snowmobile before we run outta beer

Without no health insurance, we just take the kids down ta the ER whenever they get hurt

Abortion’s a gotdam sin, flag burning surely a crime and the 10 commandments are the law

I say we nuke them mothfakers first and then maybe later try to sort it out

we got to stop the queers and liberals from overrunning the whole damn country

Let’s just go over there and take all their shittin’ oil and shut them the fuck right up

To hell with recycling - until you pay me for it, I got better things to do

often fall asleep on the couch and snore with my mouth open and the TV on

don’t own no suit, cant tie no tie and don’t wear no fancy damn cologne

got leathery wrinkles on the back of my skinny, sunburned neck

like to whip somebody’s ass and I don’t want no more Anger Management class

got me a real job building townhomes for some dumbass urban numbnuts

don’t do no housework but I make some mean burgers on the grill

Too much school turns you into some kind of friggin’ pussy

warm up the truck for ten minutes outside the apartment when it’s cold

Rentin videos and a bag of potato chips are cheaper than a babysitter

try to splash the fuckin joggers when I drive by em in the rain

why would anybody in their right mind ever go for a stinkin’ walk

got a thing going with Lois who sells us doughnuts at the job site

like to build me a deck off the modular and put up one of them bubbly hottubs

don’t take no gotdam vitamins or put some silly shit on my hands

school says Ricky needs glasses but it ain’t none of their damn business

some fucker tried to trick me into a payment plan for braces for the kid

the old lady’s veins are all swol up and her ankles are getting real fat

we got us a family bible standing up by the DVDs in the entertainment center

you shoulda seen the tits on that blonde in the magazine in the portapotty

like to trade in my old pickup on a brand new Silverado if I could get the credit

gonna buy me a boat and take the whole family fishin’ out to the lake

ruint the carpet at the last place but the landlord screwed us so we didn’t clean it

got $18 and a half a tank of gas that’s gonna last me ‘til this friday

Office Professionals On Harleys

Fek your average overweight 44 year-old on the toy he owes so much on

Fek your loud add-on mufflers but not those tired, fat bitches hanging out over the back and sides

To hell with your identical machines lined up in front of safe chain motels

Piss on your stupid radios blasting country music as you noisily blare by

A pox on your bullshit weekend lifestyle, go back to the office where you belong

And screw as well the canned biker dreams you think that you are following

May heavy rain, breakdowns and construction delays waste your lost biker weekends

Put your damn stock mufflers back on and take out your silly earplugs

More chrome does not really counter your increasing decline in virility

A new leather jacket won’t make her slim as you once thought she maybe was

You don’t have the nads to ride it to work cause the boss might disapprove

Even the fastest are dogshit slow and handle like spavined nags

Make your hefty monthly payment instead of adding to your 401k, you moron

Pathetically put a Harley decal on the window of your overweight pickup truck

Express your freedom and independence like everybody else, there you little rodent

Gather by the thousands and reinforce your pitiable implanted delusions

Show us your ignorant and false movie machismo by not wearing a helmet

Take rocks and large insects right into your smooth, round and pudgy face

Lock up your brakes in the first emergency since you never learned to ride

Find out about high-siding when that 800 lb baby rolls up and on top of you

Keep it safe in the garage and just take it out on weekends

Never even consider how it’s just a waste of the money that you don’t really have

Don’t learn how to service them, just go bend over and be nice for the dealer

Then take off so wild and free with your cellphone in your pocket

Fek your Harley and it’s illusory lifestyle accessories and canned fantasies

Keep it safe and clean next to your bullshit performance sedan

And after you scare the shit out of yourself the first or second time

It’ll just sit there getting dusty and you’ll say you don’t have the time to ride

And the kids will knock it over and even you will ding it with the car door

Anyway, you can still both wear your leathers when you ride that other hog

No Longer The Man I Only Thought I Was

Gave up on the road rage since I now drive a real teeny little car

Don’t smash my beer bottles in the street as I just suck a little herb at home

Now spending as much time in church as watching football, that is, none at all

Lost the fantasy-macho fat that was bloating my face and neck

Always wear a tee-shirt over the spikey tattoo on my shrunken bicep

Quit proving myself on ATVs, snowmobiles, jetskis and dirtbikes

Got off the Meth when my teeth rotted and all my hair fell out

No longer can ignore the hemorrhoids and back pain from driving the big Cats

Don’t bother with the horn and just get out of the way without any obscene gestures

The Harley got repoed and sometimes I still wish that I missed it a little more

Don’t waste my time telling off loudmouthed women anymore

Took off my loud mufflers so I could listen to the news

Sold my NASCAR jacket on eBay and gave up on chewing Copenhagen

Stopped dropping my garbage off in front of overfilled apartment dumpsters

Got rid of the huge speakers cause now I just wear my headphones

No longer keep that loaded handgun just underneath the driver’s seat

Only beat up the wife or the kids once in a while, anymore

Noticed I quit swerving at cats that are walking across the road

Probably won’t move to Vegas to make my living playing blackjack

Went soft and quit hunting but still keep the rifle in the closet

Finally saw myself as just another injured, former would-be athlete

Stopped driving up real close behind slow vehicles driving in the left lane

Somehow don’t live on donuts and double cheeseburgers, like I used to

Lately heeding the lessons of all the drunk whippings that I’ve taken

No longer bother the Boss man with dry sarcasm and pointed questions

Can’t seem to get so righteously angry if I have to wait for too damn long

Don’t find as much pleasure ridiculing the queers and the geeks

Sometimes I just don’t charge shit I don’t really need and actually can’t afford

Started to notice that the toilet was dirty and the floor needed vacuumed

Slowly lost interest in pitching, batting and salary statistics

Couldn’t figure out why I always talked about those violent movies so much, all the time

Just tried to stay alive until I could drop my weapon and get back home again

Set there and wondered why I was wearing work boots to sit in a tiny cubicle

Lost pleasure in finding ways to stop other guys from passing me out on the 8-lane

No longer flick my lit butts out the window at my tailgating enemies

Stopped thinking about my Budweiser from about noon on, every day

Finally figured out I shouldn’t violate the wife’s court restraining orders

Wanted to get to know the kids I never supported and hadn’t seen for years

Started to question the strength I thought I had learned during my time in jail

Quit smashing up cheap furniture while screaming drunken vulgarities

Got tired of angrily denying the guilt after every stupid outburst

One day finally noticed the hurt look in everybody else’s eyes

Decided it might be almost time to start giving an unknown something back

No longer floor the pickup so often just before stopping at that next red light

Cant get excited about buying another new vehicle the way that I used to

Stopped waking up in the night to lose sleep over some nonsense at work

Don’t get so concerned if another woman won’t bother to look at me

Quit laughing at and teasing guys who sit there reading books

Guess I should maybe even start going for walks though I still just can’t quite do it

Don’t find myself half-drunk and angrily shopping at Wal*Mart, late on Christmas eve

Almost stopped to push a broke down carload of illegales off the road

Finally realized it was stupid to load groceries in the backseat of an empty pickup

Started wishing I could have listened if someone had just tried to talk to me

Had just an inkling of regret over all the years of hurried, drunken blurs

Noticed I wasn’t quite as sure of all the answers I had once blurted out so quickly

Found I could actually experience the remorse and regret that I had always laughed at

No longer find it so enjoyable to see a man pounded into unconsciousness

Finally had to admit I really hadn’t wanted my boy to be better than I was

Quit going to work with hangovers and blaming it on hating Mondays

No longer the tough hombre I always vaguely imaged myself as becoming

Stopped trying to invent another way to tell the liberals that I just don’t give a f*k

No longer the man who was only imagining that I was really growing up to be

Hey! We’re All Doin Pretty Well

Them orcas are full of fire retardants from whatever shit they eat

But actually, we’re doing OK with cheap hamburger on soft white buns

Dumbass chimps and orangs are disappearing right along with their icky jungles

Got me a new chainsaw and a cellphone, things aren’t going so bad

Stinkin’ polar bears are getting skinny cause that pack ice is meltin

Pretty satisfied with my modular and my loud pickup truck

Fucked up tigers are all giving their penises to make some kinda of soup

Happily, we bought a new car in our smog-filled northern Chinese city

Lazy, stupid salmon can’t swim past dams or lay their eggs in a little silt

I get my beer on sale and I really can’t complain

Why can’t these sneakin’ lynx and wolverines live in a safe corporate forest

We got us a new big screen and we’re doing pretty well

Stupid sharks can’t even swim after we cut off their fins to make expensive soup

There’s a new well in our village and more children are surviving in poverty

Numbnut albatrosses don’t know enough to stay away from our longlines

What with that new WalMart close by and all, things are looking up

Fekin’ caribou don’t pay no goddamn taxes anyway

Finally got that rotten tooth pulled and my outlook has really improved

I say I don’t give a damn about no tropical mountain glaciers melting

Happily, we got that microloan and I am selling tea by the road

It’s just bullshit what they’re sayin’ about some smog in that Grand Canyon

When gas goes down a little, why, things will pick up again

Fuck a buncha’ candyass environmentalists right up their imaginary ozone holes

I just set there in my truck with the AC on and it ain’t all that bad

Lazy little Forest People need to get off their asses and find some real jobs

Sold a bunch of furs to Chinese tourists and fixed up our old yurt

What the hell is this squishy, handicapped, faggot eco-communism, anyway?

Dynamited enough fish to sell to the restaurant over by the tourist bar

Ain’t it a goddamn shame about all them nasty mines, you squishy pussies

We got light and heat and juice ta play our new GameBoy online

I’m jst sayin’, there ain’t no such thing as that there acid rain

Got a warm purple coat from the GoodWill far off in America

Diesel semis and power plants don’t really hurt them little kids

We only walk just a little bit farther every day to cut our firewood

What’s a goddamn stupid grizzly bear ever done for me, anyway

Looking forward to the big game coming up again this weekend

There’s so fuckin’ many trees anyway, who really gives a damn

Finally found a wife strong enough to deliver her own children

Jesus said be fruitful, multiply and take dominion over the earth and its creatures

We just burned us off a couple rain forest acres and planted a little corn

To hell with yer silly damn recycling bullshit, I got better things to do

Now we have a sturdy roof made from many cardboard layers

I say good riddance to them shittin’ songbirds and them useless frogs

We got the refer full of canned beer and a big bag of potato chips

Who says this water’s dirty, these fish look fine to me

Found a job cleaning toilets and share a room with eight other pendejos

This crap about global warming is gonna’ cost us a lot of jobs and money

We got no health insurance but they take care of the kids down to the ER

I don’t give a half a fart if some monkey-fucker dies of AIDS

Got some of that new Meth from the big plant down in Mexico

Why all the ruckus over some Chinese getting flu from sleepin’ with his duck

Had us a bigowd double cheese meat lovers pizza brung right to the apartment

It’s our goddamn right to take the ATV anywhere in the woods that we want

Doin’ pretty well drivin’ semis wearin’ cowboy boots and hats

Let’s get all that Alaskan oil and to hell with that stinkin’ wilderness

The wife works down to WalMart and we finally got Mom on Medicaid

Friggin’ health food is three times more expensive than good old MickeyD’s

Gettin’ me some nice loud mufflers just like on them cool NASCAR pick-ups

I hear they make good money up there clubbin’ down baby seals

Why, my pit bull tore up some stupid fuckin’ Labrador just the other day

How about we head over there and just take all their goddamn oil

Praise jesus and fuck all this evolution bullshit

I say just nuke ‘em first and maybe sort it out a little later

Grandfather’s potency was restored with a bit of rhino horn

If it’s getting so much hotter why the hell is my heating bill so high

Rolled over to a new credit card with no interest for six whole months

My boys don’t need to read but I made damn sure they know how to fight

We make a decent living selling the meat that we poach in the national park

We’re saving the planet in our 3 ton, 300 horsepower hybrid SUVs

Change my pickup oil myself on a back road in the trees by the creek

My wife and kids got the diabetes but we picked up some free meds

Felt so much better I gave half the TB pills to my neighbors

The government put up toilets and the streams are much better now for bathing

Happily our daughter lives with 18 friends while working in the city

We’ve got a martyred son in heaven who helped our leaders smash the great Satan

I got no issues with the wars ‘cause in ‘Nam the dope was good

They gave us a new red plastic Jerry can to go and haul out our drinking water

Since they stopped the rape and shooting in the camp we’re doing pretty well