Gave up on the road rage since I now drive a real teeny
little car
Don’t smash my beer bottles in the street as I just suck a
little herb at home
Now spending as much time in church as watching football,
that is, none at all
Lost the fantasy-macho fat that was bloating my face and
neck
Always wear a tee-shirt over the spikey tattoo on my
shrunken bicep
Quit proving myself on ATVs, snowmobiles, jetskis and
dirtbikes
Got off the Meth when my teeth rotted and all my hair fell
out
No longer can ignore the hemorrhoids and back pain from
driving the big Cats
Don’t bother with the horn and just get out of the way
without any obscene gestures
The Harley got repoed and sometimes I still wish that I
missed it a little more
Don’t waste my time telling off loudmouthed women anymore
Took off my loud mufflers so I could listen to the news
Sold my NASCAR jacket on eBay and gave up on chewing
Copenhagen
Stopped dropping my garbage off in front of overfilled
apartment dumpsters
Got rid of the huge speakers cause now I just wear my
headphones
No longer keep that loaded handgun just underneath the
driver’s seat
Only beat up the wife or the kids once in a while, anymore
Noticed I quit swerving at cats that are walking across the
road
Probably won’t move to Vegas to make my living playing
blackjack
Went soft and quit hunting but still keep the rifle in the
closet
Finally saw myself as just another injured, former would-be
athlete
Stopped driving up real close behind slow vehicles driving in
the left lane
Somehow don’t live on donuts and double cheeseburgers, like
I used to
Lately heeding the lessons of all the drunk whippings that
I’ve taken
No longer bother the Boss man with dry sarcasm and pointed
questions
Can’t seem to get so righteously angry if I have to wait for
too damn long
Don’t find as much pleasure ridiculing the queers and the
geeks
Sometimes I just don’t charge shit I don’t really need and
actually can’t afford
Started to notice that the toilet was dirty and the floor
needed vacuumed
Slowly lost interest in pitching, batting and salary
statistics
Couldn’t figure out why I always talked about those violent
movies so much, all the time
Just tried to stay alive until I could drop my weapon and
get back home again
Set there and wondered why I was wearing work boots to sit
in a tiny cubicle
Lost pleasure in finding ways to stop other guys from
passing me out on the 8-lane
No longer flick my lit butts out the window at my tailgating
enemies
Stopped thinking about my Budweiser from about noon on,
every day
Finally figured out I shouldn’t violate the wife’s court
restraining orders
Wanted to get to know the kids I never supported and hadn’t
seen for years
Started to question the strength I thought I had learned
during my time in jail
Quit smashing up cheap furniture while screaming drunken
vulgarities
Got tired of angrily denying the guilt after every stupid
outburst
One day finally noticed the hurt look in everybody else’s
eyes
Decided it might be almost time to start giving an unknown
something back
No longer floor the pickup so often just before stopping at
that next red light
Cant get excited about buying another new vehicle the way
that I used to
Stopped waking up in the night to lose sleep over some
nonsense at work
Don’t get so concerned if another woman won’t bother to look
at me
Quit laughing at and teasing guys who sit there reading
books
Guess I should maybe even start going for walks though I
still just can’t quite do it
Don’t find myself half-drunk and angrily shopping at
Wal*Mart, late on Christmas eve
Almost stopped to push a broke down carload of illegales off
the road
Finally realized it was stupid to load groceries in the
backseat of an empty pickup
Started wishing I could have listened if someone had just tried
to talk to me
Had just an inkling of regret over all the years of hurried,
drunken blurs
Noticed I wasn’t quite as sure of all the answers I had once
blurted out so quickly
Found I could actually experience the remorse and regret
that I had always laughed at
No longer find it so enjoyable to see a man pounded into
unconsciousness
Finally had to admit I really hadn’t wanted my boy to be
better than I was
Quit going to work with hangovers and blaming it on hating
Mondays
No longer the tough hombre I always vaguely imaged myself as
becoming
Stopped trying to invent another way to tell the liberals
that I just don’t give a f*k
No longer the man who was only imagining that I was really
growing up to be
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