Hurry Up And Damn MAGA

Hurry up and get the government out of the ‘business’ of habitat preservation

Make haste and put jesus front and center in all our courtrooms and legislatures

Let’s rapidly streamline these burdensome and costly mining and drilling regulations

Our opponents partisan stalling is at the root of our most serious problems

Quickly dump these time-consuming environmental impact statements

End the charade today and let’s get all the oil we can from anywhere we want

The people deserve to see our complete vision enacted in its entirety

Quash this talk of a right to privacy and get on with unaudited secret surveillance

Hurry up and gerrymander all the voting districts with unbeatable majorities

Abruptly end Title 9, handicapped access and all this BS affirmative action

These endless rancorous debates are paralyzing our government bodies

Quickly now, terminate all entitlement programs and end corporate taxes

This very afternoon let’s abolish these meddlesome Clean Water and Endangered Species Acts

Immediately allow all vehicles anytime and anywhere on all our public lands

We need to rid ourselves of this poisonous atmosphere of political acrimony

Cut to the chase and allow mineral extraction wherever, whenever and however

Spin off our under-utilized forests via open bidding to encourage unfettered development now

Hurry up and get prayer back into the classrooms right along with Intelligent Design

Too much energy is being wasted in polarized, non-productive arguments

Right now - Post a 30 day eviction notice on the door of that godless United Nations

Quit stalling and just pack the court full with those who share our enlightened views

Immediately ban all forms of artificial contraception and sex education to those under 25

We can eliminate many conflicts forever by finally making some decisions

Quickly institute mandatory prayer and bible study in all our public schools

Make a rapid purge of the liberals controlling our colleges and the media

Let us use sound bites and prayer to make the tough decisions we need never regret

Right now lift all emissions and mileage regulations from our new vehicles

Abruptly end government-funded public radio and television for good

Hurry up and abolish the minimum wage and ban all forms of unions

We must make our decisions and write them all down and get on with things

Make a quick and final exit from species preservation and re-introduction

Immediately empower confidential government policy-making boards led by industry executives

Simply quit subsidizing or even encouraging recycling and conservation completely

Marginalize these whining squishes now so we can make clearer plans for our future

End race-based quotas and assistance to the children of poverty after lunch

Abolish these stifling offshore drilling restrictions before leaving today

Use endless rapid repetition of slickly-packaged simple messages to establish guiding truths

Put all of the public-housing and property-stealing national monuments up for sale tomorrow

Quickly make it impossible to obtain information outside of official sources

Govern best by doing less, trusting in God, the marketplace and anonymous corporate donors

Immediately put a cap on punitive damages any way industry sees fit

Right away re-classify all politically sensitive documents as secret

Quickly eliminate the EPA, lay off its workers and cancel its mandates

Silence the foolish gun control whiners forever with court decisions and new legislation

Terminate these non-productive federally-funded climate studies immediately

Right away start teaching Traditional Family ValuesÔ and the Bible in our public schools

Let us do these things with candor and energy and record our results

Eliminate this misguided national endowment for the arts as fast as you can

Abolish quotas on technical visas and give bigger tax breaks for outsourcing jobs

Drop all these socialist controls and give the free market complete control of the healthcare industry

Hurry up and let consumers decide the fate of remaining old-growth forests

Quickly make it official practice to edit and censure federal research papers

Immediately further the spread of democracy at will via military force

This incessant quarrelling is tiring and stands in the way of our real progress

Replace all burdensome government oversight with non-binding self-regulation

Speedily stop the endless appeals on extraction and development projects

Starting now, give all aid only through the faith-based charities of our supporters

Enough of mere drips and drabs, riders and amendments – full speed ahead!

Quickly stop the debate and simply ban all abortions. Period.

Right away we need to give new owners full control over their leveraged wetland properties

Let such actions replace empty rhetoric and the results can be recorded for posterity

Provide permanent relief of excessive tax burdens on the wealthy right now

Make it official today that all poverty benefits simply trickle down from the rich

Let it all come to pass and let everyone be judged for their part

Offer black convicts slavery and prejudice reparations in the form of one-way tickets to Africa

Speedily make implanted smart card IDs mandatory for all migrant workers

Give us a chance to bring our democratic, faith-based vision to full fruition now

Rapidly free our corporations from uncompetitive pension and benefit burdens

Fast track an amendment for annual increases in military spending into our sacred constitution

We have a clear vision going forward, just let’s quickly remove the obstacles in our path

Hapless Heartland Homeboy

I’m a six-pack cowboy ridin the range between beer joints in my loud pickup truck

I work a hard outside job for my money while shrugging off yet another hangover

smoke my Marboros because they’re made fer us tough but lonely cowboys

hawk up green slyme and casually toss my butts straight down on the ground

don’t trust them slick liberal boys in ther fancy new york suits

grew up in crowded apartments but replanted my roots to the country

been divorced three times and I’m way behind on alimony and child support

Budweiser is still the king of beers and NASCAR is the greatest sport ever

support our boys overseas protectin us from them sick terrorist sonsabitches

love that Oscar Meyer bologna on white bread with a little Frinch’s mustard

got a friend who cooks up good meth in his trailer down by the interstate

My girlfriend sometimes even cleans the toilet when she’s on that stuff

lost my license on another DUI and I still cain’t afford no car insurance

had three teeth pulled but it dinit hurt too much what with the Vicadin and beer

not really a part of the trash I live and work and play and sleep in ever day

My story don’t sound too bad when I’m sitting on a barstool durin happy hour

need new tires on the pickup and the muffler and the bumper are falling off

get 127 channels from the dish on the big screen I financed down to the mall

was late on the rent again but did charge the little lady a new weight loss plan

tore up my old credit card and got me anothern with no interest - fer 3 months!

lost my last job because of the goddamn terrorists and them yellow librals

Found a really old speeding ticket underneath the truck seat after my arrest

got them presents on sale late on Christmas eve over to the Wal-Mart

Left that puppy behind at the last rental after it shit all over the house and yard

got two boys who cain’t read but damn shore know how ta fight

They don’t do too good in school, but then, it looks like I turned out all right

smacked the old lady in the eye after we got home late from drinking

Then she used up our whole dam phone card bawling to her fat, slutty mother

got some dents and primer paint on the pickup but it still looks like a fightin vehicle

Boy, the sound of that country music makes me wanna drain off this last beer

like to look down on women’s legs in their little cars from my pickup’s seat

Praise Jesus and fuck that evolution cuz I ain’t kin ta no damn monkeys

like to fish and hunt and love to go camp in the great outdoors

save money by changing my oil in the woods right nexta where I dump my trash

got guns to protect me from when them black helicopters come

I say we get the USA out of the damn UN and the stinkin UN out of the USA

making less but gas and rent and food and cable cost more all the time

have to say I’m pretty satisfied with the way that things are goin

rolled all my bills into one monthly payment and the bar still cashes my paycheck

My 14 year old daughter run away and got knocked up by some ugly truck driver

want to trade in my snow machine on a Harley as soon as it warms up

There’s yellow shit underneath my toenails and scabs that don’t heal on my arms

I never took no welfare but I gotta say we did camp out for a while last summer

We took baths with paper towels in the restrooms down ta the Conoco

slapped the wife around for buying kids clothes at the Goodwill

don’t buy much flour or rice but we do eat a lotta Doritos and Reese’s Cups

don’t see no big-boy pickups in fronta Starbucks buying them gimmick lattes

Health food aint nethin but expensive BS fer queers and dumbass liberals

think my eyes are still good cuz I don’t set there reading all the time

Got my tax refund early from a payday loaner and bought the kids a xBox

couldn’t be cooped up in some office all day long at some freakin’ little desk

I’ll take the freedom to piss all over a different construction site every summer

I say God Bless America! and you cain love her or you cain just go ahead and leave her

Do’t cared that all my clothes are made in China and my gas money funds them tearwrists

don’t give a shit about no pollution and Hey! What has any damn polar bear ever done fer me?

The old lady’s got a little sugar but she’s still two full tons of real fun

took the kids to Vegas on vacation last time I got unemployment

Jimmy Jr split his head wide open while I was inside playing blackjack

caught somethin nasty from the waitress down ta the Dew Drop Inn

Told the wife I got bit up when I was out hunting with the boys

almost bought me a pre-fab but thanks ta the liberals, the gotdamn loan fell through

My sister has six kids and her old man run off three years ago

gonna get me a little spread and one of them fancy ridin lawnmowers

My dumbass kid just got his nose pierced and has a tattoo of a skull

keep a pistol o the passenger seat on my way to work, jest in case

The brother-in-law went to jail for gettin beat up in a bar by an off-duty cop

like to relax by sliding dollar bills down inside exotic dancers panties

The house is full of roaches and the fuckin’ landlord just don’t care

got drunk and dropped the turkey so I slapped the shit outta the kids

Went down to the tavern and left the boys in the truck with Big Gulps

forgot about the damn school play and bawled the wife out for being late with dinner

There’s hairs all stuck in some dried up yellow crud on our bathroom floor

won’t smoke no cheap-ass generic cigarettes just to save 50 cents a pack

always buy me a couple of lotto tickets, just in case, you know, heh-heh

swore off going to any church but I talk with jesus most every day

Thick, curly hair is growin at funny angles out my ears and my nose

don’t own no damn computer and I say screw the whole fekin Internet

So, let’s round up all them Mexicans and make the Homos string ‘em up

pissed a little blood on Sunday morning and got this cough that don’t go away

The kids got sent home from school again becausa them damn head lice

still like my beer but you can jest toss them vegetables out for the rabbits

My buddy broke a bottle on my forehead and we still don’t remember why

I’m 5’9” and 160 lbs. of evil little fuckup and I threaten bicycles with my pickup

Just the other day I run down two stray cats who couldn’t move fast enough

got grease under my fingernails and I’m white as a ghost under my wife-beater shirt

got no more butt left but I’m working on a real nice little beer belly

pitch them McDonald wrappers straight out the truck as I lick my dirty fingers clean

fity oz Mountain Dews keep me goin through them tough afternoons at the job

don’t know no percents, fractions are real small and I don’t count my change

Sumbuddy’s gotta have a money angle on this bullshit global warming stuff

got a bald spot under my ball cap but I don’t need no goddamn Viagra, baby

My mom has a little trailer where she watches Survivor and sips her Bourbon

chased a deer for an hour on my snowmobile before we run outta beer

Without no health insurance, we just take the kids down ta the ER whenever they get hurt

Abortion’s a gotdam sin, flag burning surely a crime and the 10 commandments are the law

I say we nuke them mothfakers first and then maybe later try to sort it out

we got to stop the queers and liberals from overrunning the whole damn country

Let’s just go over there and take all their shittin’ oil and shut them the fuck right up

To hell with recycling - until you pay me for it, I got better things to do

often fall asleep on the couch and snore with my mouth open and the TV on

don’t own no suit, cant tie no tie and don’t wear no fancy damn cologne

got leathery wrinkles on the back of my skinny, sunburned neck

like to whip somebody’s ass and I don’t want no more Anger Management class

got me a real job building townhomes for some dumbass urban numbnuts

don’t do no housework but I make some mean burgers on the grill

Too much school turns you into some kind of friggin’ pussy

warm up the truck for ten minutes outside the apartment when it’s cold

Rentin videos and a bag of potato chips are cheaper than a babysitter

try to splash the fuckin joggers when I drive by em in the rain

why would anybody in their right mind ever go for a stinkin’ walk

got a thing going with Lois who sells us doughnuts at the job site

like to build me a deck off the modular and put up one of them bubbly hottubs

don’t take no gotdam vitamins or put some silly shit on my hands

school says Ricky needs glasses but it ain’t none of their damn business

some fucker tried to trick me into a payment plan for braces for the kid

the old lady’s veins are all swol up and her ankles are getting real fat

we got us a family bible standing up by the DVDs in the entertainment center

you shoulda seen the tits on that blonde in the magazine in the portapotty

like to trade in my old pickup on a brand new Silverado if I could get the credit

gonna buy me a boat and take the whole family fishin’ out to the lake

ruint the carpet at the last place but the landlord screwed us so we didn’t clean it

got $18 and a half a tank of gas that’s gonna last me ‘til this friday

How Could We Be Like This?

Why did you scrawl ‘No Trespassing’ on old boards all around your filthy little pig sty

Who would try to root you out from that vile and tiny piece of your hog heaven

How could you simply flick your filthy butts down wherever they were finished

And why were the empty packs also permitted to fall crumpled to the ground

Why was it all right if you just tossed your cans aside, somewhere in the bushes

If you just didn’t give a damn, why was your pickup bed always so clean and empty

Tell me of the great pleasure you took from a loud muffler on that pathetically obese pickup

What was so great about drunkenly blaring music so long after two in the morning

So was it really OK to make all those new bandit trails on your obnoxious ATV

Where was the pleasure in ripping up the turf with a smoky, noisy dirt bike

How did you manage to shout so loud and so hoarsely for so very long

Who taught those fat, young girls to swear so coarsely in such hissy voices

How many ways did you find to exclaim with such great fervor that you just didn’t give a fuck

How many times did you let your boyfriend smack you and your helpless little son around

Was there any way that you could ever turn down free donuts or a Big Gulp

Were you really big and tough or was it pretty much just poison-laden fat

Were you able to spend your whole life watching DVDs and playing videos

Why did you drop out of that expensive school your helicopter parents finally got you into

Did it make any real sense to pull a huge speed boat behind a giant truck

Do you know why you wore an item once and then just tossed it casually aside

What do you want to be now that you’ve grow old and your credit has run dry

When did God grant you the right to cheat the illegales you enslave at jobs that we wont do

How were we stronger as a nation for your ingrained over-consumption

Show me how your asian plastic decal ribbon made you some kind of an ever-vigilant patriot

How could you love America so much if you could not always find it on a map

Why did you take comfort in us spending more on arms than all the other countries combined

How come everything you got was stamped ‘Adulterated By Slaves Polluting China’

Where have all the engineers gone who knew how to take us to the moon and back

Could your children read and write or would they supposed to learn that when they got to college

How long could the scripted bullshit you read so convincingly dupe the illiterates who elected you

How did you always easily overlook those who lay in filthy castoffs on the dirty streets

Why should I support you now that you are fat, sick, hurt, old and haven’t saved a cent

Tell me all the wondrous things your personal relationship with Christ has provided you

What good was yet another clumsy, obese & overpriced pickup to your everlasting soul

How could we dare to tell others to preserve ecosystems after we shattered the New World

How recharging was it really - having your drunk, fat ass dragged around atop a jet ski

Who do you think you were to demand that we clearcut our tiny remaining old-growth forests

For which of our precious unborns did we rip the final drops of oil from our last wilderness areas

Where did you get the gall to righteously preach abstinence and call it foreign aid

Who convinced you that we alone carried a bright moral compass for the entire world

How could your family be so rich and educated yet produce an airhead like yourself

Why would you let them spend a $trillion creating a petro-haven for islamic terrorists

How was it you thought you’d be able to work til 75 when you were laid off for good at 52

What can your son do that five Indians will not together do better, cheaper and faster

Since you could not recall last years 4^th of July, how then could you plan for your future

Why did CEOs globalize for bonuses except that all might live in an equally-abject poverty

How come you always drove a brand new car but never had any money saved at all

Why did you need 15 rooms for 3.7 people, 5 blathering TVs and a few unopened books

Tell me again all about how you were so lost but at last found your personal savior

Whose voice was it that you really heard on your knees praising sweet Jesus, my tired brother

What the fuck would you have done forever in your fuzzy and evangelical paradise

Would you still overeat and lay on the couch in your own stinking gas

What did you mean saying “It’s only business” as your layoffs shattered people’s lives

Why did you deserve so many times more money than the workers you continually shed

Where did your lovely daughter get those crude tattoos and nipple piercings

Why did your son still smoke dope if he seemed OK when he stayed on his meds

What did you plan to do all day when you were thoughtlessly thrown off the treadmill for good

Did interminable golf and fishing satisfy your precious, unique and everlasting soul

If you worked so hard for your family why did you not spend any time with them

Should you possibly have given a damn about some phony worldwide water crisis

How did you dare to idle your Ram-tough pickup just to run the goddamn air conditioning

Do you really believe your uninformed, fat and spoiled offspring can lay claim to world leadership

Could your One God condemn their True God’s followers to eternal Hell, just as theirs did to you

How did you go on wasting more in a week than they earned in a year for so many years

Did you deliberately raise children to be stupid enough to accept the mess that you are leaving them

How could you grant yourself the baseless right to be above and apart from the plants and animals

Why did you fail to notice that your society and lifestyle were simply unsustainable

How is it that you had no clue as to why you could not sleep at night

By what authority did you try and spread corporate democracy and franchised free enterprise

What made you believe others really wanted to share your synthetic, commercial visions

Why would you think that hair dye and skin cream could make you young inside again

What did your merciful God counsel you regarding that fifth new 300 horsepower SUV

How exceptionist did you think you were to chant ‘God Bless America’ at every staged photo-op

Why did you support a crooked Social Darwinism based on birthright, prejudice and favoritism

What did you really do with all the time you saved at all those drive-through windows

Why did your so-called leaders hire marketers to sell the policies of their corporate handlers to you

How come they confined themselves to 30 second sound bites whenever they had to talk to you

Why did your favorite so-called news channels spew forth the same sponsored vapid tripe

If you loved your kids so goddamn much, why did you leave them a gutted and shabbier world

How come you could name 50 actors but not a single biologist, much less one chemist

What drove your total focus upon satisfying your greedy hyper-consumerist needs

What god taught you to cast blind eyes on all those who lived on but a dollar per day

How did your get-rich-quick stock and real estate schemes help create a better society

As you died did you reflect in peace upon the many nights spent laying dissipated in front of TV

Why did you eat meat raised with all the soul there is in efficient modern factory production

Who really benefited from your narrow specialization and proudly loud ignorance

What kind of leader made great political decisions based on fantasy talks with a personal savior

Why did you deny them contraception yet refuse to help all their innocent, bastard children

Why would you replace biological diversity with poverty, suffering, filth and ignorance

What remained to you from all those years of anger, stress, anxiety and hurry

Did they extol your lengthy and expensive devotion to pro football and NASCAR in your obituary

At your funeral, was it noted you never left the house without several coats of cosmetics

Who were you to seek continuous immediate gratification even while earning your eternal rewards

How could you act like the world was yours to be pillaged in your patriotic pursuit of happiness

Why did it confuse you so much when you awoke in real silence for just a moment

How did you mostly stuff down the portions that were twice as large as you needed and toss the rest

How could you cast off all of this stuff we now mine from your toxic, overflowing landfills

How was it you fouled the air and water and still sang America the Beautiful so very emotionally

Office Professionals On Harleys

Fek your average overweight 44 year-old on the toy he owes so much on

Fek your loud add-on mufflers but not those tired, fat bitches hanging out over the back and sides

To hell with your identical machines lined up in front of safe chain motels

Piss on your stupid radios blasting country music as you noisily blare by

A pox on your bullshit weekend lifestyle, go back to the office where you belong

And screw as well the canned biker dreams you think that you are following

May heavy rain, breakdowns and construction delays waste your lost biker weekends

Put your damn stock mufflers back on and take out your silly earplugs

More chrome does not really counter your increasing decline in virility

A new leather jacket won’t make her slim as you once thought she maybe was

You don’t have the nads to ride it to work cause the boss might disapprove

Even the fastest are dogshit slow and handle like spavined nags

Make your hefty monthly payment instead of adding to your 401k, you moron

Pathetically put a Harley decal on the window of your overweight pickup truck

Express your freedom and independence like everybody else, there you little rodent

Gather by the thousands and reinforce your pitiable implanted delusions

Show us your ignorant and false movie machismo by not wearing a helmet

Take rocks and large insects right into your smooth, round and pudgy face

Lock up your brakes in the first emergency since you never learned to ride

Find out about high-siding when that 800 lb baby rolls up and on top of you

Keep it safe in the garage and just take it out on weekends

Never even consider how it’s just a waste of the money that you don’t really have

Don’t learn how to service them, just go bend over and be nice for the dealer

Then take off so wild and free with your cellphone in your pocket

Fek your Harley and it’s illusory lifestyle accessories and canned fantasies

Keep it safe and clean next to your bullshit performance sedan

And after you scare the shit out of yourself the first or second time

It’ll just sit there getting dusty and you’ll say you don’t have the time to ride

And the kids will knock it over and even you will ding it with the car door

Anyway, you can still both wear your leathers when you ride that other hog

No Longer The Man I Only Thought I Was

Gave up on the road rage since I now drive a real teeny little car

Don’t smash my beer bottles in the street as I just suck a little herb at home

Now spending as much time in church as watching football, that is, none at all

Lost the fantasy-macho fat that was bloating my face and neck

Always wear a tee-shirt over the spikey tattoo on my shrunken bicep

Quit proving myself on ATVs, snowmobiles, jetskis and dirtbikes

Got off the Meth when my teeth rotted and all my hair fell out

No longer can ignore the hemorrhoids and back pain from driving the big Cats

Don’t bother with the horn and just get out of the way without any obscene gestures

The Harley got repoed and sometimes I still wish that I missed it a little more

Don’t waste my time telling off loudmouthed women anymore

Took off my loud mufflers so I could listen to the news

Sold my NASCAR jacket on eBay and gave up on chewing Copenhagen

Stopped dropping my garbage off in front of overfilled apartment dumpsters

Got rid of the huge speakers cause now I just wear my headphones

No longer keep that loaded handgun just underneath the driver’s seat

Only beat up the wife or the kids once in a while, anymore

Noticed I quit swerving at cats that are walking across the road

Probably won’t move to Vegas to make my living playing blackjack

Went soft and quit hunting but still keep the rifle in the closet

Finally saw myself as just another injured, former would-be athlete

Stopped driving up real close behind slow vehicles driving in the left lane

Somehow don’t live on donuts and double cheeseburgers, like I used to

Lately heeding the lessons of all the drunk whippings that I’ve taken

No longer bother the Boss man with dry sarcasm and pointed questions

Can’t seem to get so righteously angry if I have to wait for too damn long

Don’t find as much pleasure ridiculing the queers and the geeks

Sometimes I just don’t charge shit I don’t really need and actually can’t afford

Started to notice that the toilet was dirty and the floor needed vacuumed

Slowly lost interest in pitching, batting and salary statistics

Couldn’t figure out why I always talked about those violent movies so much, all the time

Just tried to stay alive until I could drop my weapon and get back home again

Set there and wondered why I was wearing work boots to sit in a tiny cubicle

Lost pleasure in finding ways to stop other guys from passing me out on the 8-lane

No longer flick my lit butts out the window at my tailgating enemies

Stopped thinking about my Budweiser from about noon on, every day

Finally figured out I shouldn’t violate the wife’s court restraining orders

Wanted to get to know the kids I never supported and hadn’t seen for years

Started to question the strength I thought I had learned during my time in jail

Quit smashing up cheap furniture while screaming drunken vulgarities

Got tired of angrily denying the guilt after every stupid outburst

One day finally noticed the hurt look in everybody else’s eyes

Decided it might be almost time to start giving an unknown something back

No longer floor the pickup so often just before stopping at that next red light

Cant get excited about buying another new vehicle the way that I used to

Stopped waking up in the night to lose sleep over some nonsense at work

Don’t get so concerned if another woman won’t bother to look at me

Quit laughing at and teasing guys who sit there reading books

Guess I should maybe even start going for walks though I still just can’t quite do it

Don’t find myself half-drunk and angrily shopping at Wal*Mart, late on Christmas eve

Almost stopped to push a broke down carload of illegales off the road

Finally realized it was stupid to load groceries in the backseat of an empty pickup

Started wishing I could have listened if someone had just tried to talk to me

Had just an inkling of regret over all the years of hurried, drunken blurs

Noticed I wasn’t quite as sure of all the answers I had once blurted out so quickly

Found I could actually experience the remorse and regret that I had always laughed at

No longer find it so enjoyable to see a man pounded into unconsciousness

Finally had to admit I really hadn’t wanted my boy to be better than I was

Quit going to work with hangovers and blaming it on hating Mondays

No longer the tough hombre I always vaguely imaged myself as becoming

Stopped trying to invent another way to tell the liberals that I just don’t give a f*k

No longer the man who was only imagining that I was really growing up to be

A Common Sense Conservative Prayer

Help us to sleep well that we may pursue our greed with all our strength, in thy name

Bless that which favors our agenda over attempts we deem to curb our selfish freedom

Allow us to politically debate scientific evidence to advance profit-based corporate beliefs

Keep the underclass engaged with alcohol, tobacco, opiates, Meth, gambling and TV

Let us shoulder our exceptionism and export our culture and beliefs to the rest of the world

Free us from these unconstitutional restrictions on our speculatively-leveraged private property

Give us the strength to subdivide and bulldoze in the name of god and country

Bind us with the belief that blind greed always leads unerringly to a brighter future

Help us always find the cheapest and quickest way to profit and bear no future responsibility

Invite them to get the hell out if they do not like things the way they are here

Let us chant our mantra of rigged free trade in cheap imports and outsourced careers

Keep us steady on the course of hyper-consumption for its own holy sake

Find moral strength from sloganeering and mental nutrition in regurgitated sound bites

Realize for us the foolish paralysis which comes from thinking too deeply

Help us enrich society, one identical suburb and shoddy strip mall at a time

Absolve us with the belief that we cannot make any real difference, in any case

Give us gas for our giant, inefficient vehicles and we will not ask its source

Grant us zoning variances that we may further our Ponzi development schemes

Assist us in selling thy beauty even while our bulldozers roar in the background

Help us paint our opposition as weak, tired, whining yet fanatical squishes

Permit our CEOS to gate themselves safely away from that which they have created

Ensure that the pursuit of material goods is the only path marketed to self-actualization

May we overcome fuzzy notions of some sustaining biosphere for it threatens all our progress

Convince the unbelievers that golf courses are wondrous natural wetland sanctuaries

Spin as thy mysterious wisdom the fostering of poverty and ignorance across many generations

Help us to stay on message and to tightly control the flow of our clever propaganda

Assist us in inflaming hatred of the evil socialists who still sinfully oppose us

Give us the strength to ignore world opinion by granting us a blind righteousness

Lead us in our holy struggle against those hypnotized by an infidel religious fanaticism

Help us spread democracy even as we crown a comically-implausible God our own making

Allow us to ignore malaria, AIDS, cholera and dengue fever in the poor

And let us mostly research profitable cures for such as impotence, obesity, wrinkles and stress

Give us the wisdom never to question the suffering you allow us to cause on a daily basis

May we accept as your inscrutable will the natural disasters that devastate heathens everywhere

Remind us of our chosen status that we might ignore the plights of others without remorse

Let us know that God is love as we go forth with a curse on our lips and weapons in hand

Reveal to us after personal consultation in prayer, decisions that reflect thy will on policy issues

Grant us thy certainty such that we shall never need admit of any mistakes

Give us a bogeyman that we might continue scaring the people and enriching the arms peddlers

Help us slash entitlements to pay for tax cuts to the rich as well as to increase arms spending

Make us believe in our right to treat animals as mere units of factory raw material

Engender in us a smirking scorn for such silly issues as sustainability and habitat destruction

Bring us faith against global warming scams and calming beliefs about toxic pollution hoaxes

Reward us with great bonuses for eliminating jobs, benefits and pensions via

Let us cast off proposed regulations by intoning of their terrible costs in jobs and money

Take the future in thy hands that we may grab all that we can right now

Give us our daily factory white bread by the dirty truckload in throwaway plastic

Load us up with caffeine and sugar as we seek your everlasting peace

Fill us with desire for new automobiles and real estate speculation

Help us to spend far more than we will ever earn, without any guilt whatsoever

Entrust our parents to uncaring temp workers in corporate-owned nursing homes

Commit our children to day care with diseased illegales, even before they can speak

Blind us to the mass extinction we are bringing down all around and upon ourselves

Remove the dirty waters and the filthy air from any list of important issues

Grant us a comforting, rock-solid faith on metaphysical matters it unnerves us to consider

Help us relax using social media displacement activities right on through our own passing

Keep us so very busy that a sideways glance at a sunset is hardly noticed and quickly forgotten

Build a real scorn for the ancient history that took place all of 10 to 15 years ago

Nurture our pride in the ignorance of the technologies which we so depend on

Let us take for granted the hot water, lights and warmth of our homes

Stop us from ever questioning the madness of runaway military spending

Assist us in calling for better education while profitably outsourcing the jobs of the educated

Keep us calm, knowing you make the decisions and that our fate is simply your will

Grant us the right to belittle rigorous science using dumbed-down theology and corpro donations

Praise family values while allowing generations to grow up with ignorant mothers and no fathers

Blind us to our own hypocrisy that we may trumpet our beliefs free of guilt

Help them to realize that we alone are your chosen people, created in your image

Show us how to leap in faith over frightening cosmic mysteries to safe scriptural regulations

Let us expect our politicians to talk like preachers and never actually answer real questions

Satisfy us with a proud illiteracy and let us call simple arithmetic ‘doing the math’

Steer us away from genetic research and towards mandatory christian prayer in our schools

Bring back the sanctity of marriage and let thy word, as we interpret it, guide the courts

Fill us with the absolutely overriding importance of abortion as a public policy issue

Help us to cast conservation as a rather silly and unimportant virtue, of dubious value

Foster our soulful distinction from all other animals and thusly, our dominion over the earth

Give us the ability to ridicule that which we do not agree with or simply do not understand

Keep our mouths, eyes and ears shut until it makes no difference any more

Teach us to take refuge in mind-numbing, expensive and time-wasting wreckreation

Make us view Hitler as evil but our extinguishing 30 million Indians as our sacred Manifest Destiny

Help us build expensive prisons rather than taxing and regulating soft drugs

Let us spend billions on homeland security but be unable to evacuate cities from disasters

Content our children with prescription drugs, fatty foods and video games

Ensure that stock buybacks temporarily increase our stock price which yields us more fat bonuses

Guide us in extinguishing species by guaranteeing that their price increases with their scarcity

Fill us with a disdainful pride in the knowledge that we humans alone possess everlasting souls

Help us rip off original ideas to turn into mass marketing schemes for our corporate profits

Preserve the sanctity of intellectual property but only for we, the non-producing middlemen

Let us scoff at sustainable economic practices and greedily pile immense debt upon the future

Give us rich oil fields but not the vision to seek profitable, sustainable alternatives

Permit us to cast our own greedy desires as simply one small part of your slowly-revealed plan

Hey! We’re All Doin Pretty Well

Them orcas are full of fire retardants from whatever shit they eat

But actually, we’re doing OK with cheap hamburger on soft white buns

Dumbass chimps and orangs are disappearing right along with their icky jungles

Got me a new chainsaw and a cellphone, things aren’t going so bad

Stinkin’ polar bears are getting skinny cause that pack ice is meltin

Pretty satisfied with my modular and my loud pickup truck

Fucked up tigers are all giving their penises to make some kinda of soup

Happily, we bought a new car in our smog-filled northern Chinese city

Lazy, stupid salmon can’t swim past dams or lay their eggs in a little silt

I get my beer on sale and I really can’t complain

Why can’t these sneakin’ lynx and wolverines live in a safe corporate forest

We got us a new big screen and we’re doing pretty well

Stupid sharks can’t even swim after we cut off their fins to make expensive soup

There’s a new well in our village and more children are surviving in poverty

Numbnut albatrosses don’t know enough to stay away from our longlines

What with that new WalMart close by and all, things are looking up

Fekin’ caribou don’t pay no goddamn taxes anyway

Finally got that rotten tooth pulled and my outlook has really improved

I say I don’t give a damn about no tropical mountain glaciers melting

Happily, we got that microloan and I am selling tea by the road

It’s just bullshit what they’re sayin’ about some smog in that Grand Canyon

When gas goes down a little, why, things will pick up again

Fuck a buncha’ candyass environmentalists right up their imaginary ozone holes

I just set there in my truck with the AC on and it ain’t all that bad

Lazy little Forest People need to get off their asses and find some real jobs

Sold a bunch of furs to Chinese tourists and fixed up our old yurt

What the hell is this squishy, handicapped, faggot eco-communism, anyway?

Dynamited enough fish to sell to the restaurant over by the tourist bar

Ain’t it a goddamn shame about all them nasty mines, you squishy pussies

We got light and heat and juice ta play our new GameBoy online

I’m jst sayin’, there ain’t no such thing as that there acid rain

Got a warm purple coat from the GoodWill far off in America

Diesel semis and power plants don’t really hurt them little kids

We only walk just a little bit farther every day to cut our firewood

What’s a goddamn stupid grizzly bear ever done for me, anyway

Looking forward to the big game coming up again this weekend

There’s so fuckin’ many trees anyway, who really gives a damn

Finally found a wife strong enough to deliver her own children

Jesus said be fruitful, multiply and take dominion over the earth and its creatures

We just burned us off a couple rain forest acres and planted a little corn

To hell with yer silly damn recycling bullshit, I got better things to do

Now we have a sturdy roof made from many cardboard layers

I say good riddance to them shittin’ songbirds and them useless frogs

We got the refer full of canned beer and a big bag of potato chips

Who says this water’s dirty, these fish look fine to me

Found a job cleaning toilets and share a room with eight other pendejos

This crap about global warming is gonna’ cost us a lot of jobs and money

We got no health insurance but they take care of the kids down to the ER

I don’t give a half a fart if some monkey-fucker dies of AIDS

Got some of that new Meth from the big plant down in Mexico

Why all the ruckus over some Chinese getting flu from sleepin’ with his duck

Had us a bigowd double cheese meat lovers pizza brung right to the apartment

It’s our goddamn right to take the ATV anywhere in the woods that we want

Doin’ pretty well drivin’ semis wearin’ cowboy boots and hats

Let’s get all that Alaskan oil and to hell with that stinkin’ wilderness

The wife works down to WalMart and we finally got Mom on Medicaid

Friggin’ health food is three times more expensive than good old MickeyD’s

Gettin’ me some nice loud mufflers just like on them cool NASCAR pick-ups

I hear they make good money up there clubbin’ down baby seals

Why, my pit bull tore up some stupid fuckin’ Labrador just the other day

How about we head over there and just take all their goddamn oil

Praise jesus and fuck all this evolution bullshit

I say just nuke ‘em first and maybe sort it out a little later

Grandfather’s potency was restored with a bit of rhino horn

If it’s getting so much hotter why the hell is my heating bill so high

Rolled over to a new credit card with no interest for six whole months

My boys don’t need to read but I made damn sure they know how to fight

We make a decent living selling the meat that we poach in the national park

We’re saving the planet in our 3 ton, 300 horsepower hybrid SUVs

Change my pickup oil myself on a back road in the trees by the creek

My wife and kids got the diabetes but we picked up some free meds

Felt so much better I gave half the TB pills to my neighbors

The government put up toilets and the streams are much better now for bathing

Happily our daughter lives with 18 friends while working in the city

We’ve got a martyred son in heaven who helped our leaders smash the great Satan

I got no issues with the wars ‘cause in ‘Nam the dope was good

They gave us a new red plastic Jerry can to go and haul out our drinking water

Since they stopped the rape and shooting in the camp we’re doing pretty well