Our Leaders: Environmentalism Costs Money and Jobs

It was coal mine safety I remember they said so long ago

Which would maybe protect us just a little

But they would cost so much and take away so many jobs

to clean up the air and remove the lead from our gasoline

would be overly expensive and result in widespread unemployment

those who warn us of losing jobs and growing poor

are often those who gladly, in point of fact,

send our jobs away offshore, executing an old formula for more fat bonuses

Now they say they cannot afford to control emissions

on your favorite SUV

for clearly neither they nor we are responsible for atmospheric conditions

and requiring some sort of mileage standards

for their blimpy behemoths

is tantamount to a denial of our precious civil rights

we must let the coal-fired power plants exhaust mercury into our children’s brains

for upgrading them would provide but marginal benefit, just to a few

and would cost millions and throw many out of work

we must always remember the main point in this corporate-funded debate:

it is about jobs for the people and wood for deserving foreign consumers

not about some non-voting birds or non-interest bearing old-growth forests

let the market decide the fate of the cetaceans and the wandering albatross

bycatch regulation would make seafood more expensive and

rob the automated factory fishing fleet, portrayed in corporate publicityas the noble, independent fisherman, of its ancient livelihood

depriving the petro-chemical industry of the profits

derived from fertilizers and insecticides

under the flimsy guise of protecting farmlandmight make our factory bread more expensive and cost corporate farmers their lands

cleaning up the exhaust of those mighty diesel trucks

to possibly prevent unproven lung disease in our little children

would clearly be cost ineffective and steal more of those precious jobs

joining in the effort to reduce greenhouse emissions

could potentially damage our powerful, but sensitive, economy

and certainly would cost too much money and put many people out of work

forcing consumers to pay more for gasoline

to increase efficiency fix the roads and reduce our dependence on terrorist havens

would surely be quite expensive and bring about even more unemployment

the destruction of the panoramic beauty of the Grand Canyon

is a smaller price to pay than

the huge costs and potential job losses required to stop the massive nearbycoal-fired power plants from polluting once-pristine Western air

we must ease bureaucratic restrictions on mining, drilling and development

which are stifling entrepreneurship

thus enabling Big Oil to export our Energy Independence
and to provide employment for all our citizens who seek it

if we do not unlock petroleum resources in every corner of our great land,

following the mantra of accessibility and multiple use,

gasoline must grow ever more expensive and threaten our very way of life

making rules to curb urban and exurban sprawl created by outside investors

stifles free enterprise, denies local control and limits property rights

makes housing less affordable, thus curbing all of our opportunities for employment

permitting giant hog farms to foul our groundwater with their untreated wastes

keeps the price of pork quite low for the American consumer

and gives a few of the ex-small farmers steady jobs suffocating in the smelly mess

forcing developers to rebuild abandoned and outdated suburban shopping centers

is not nearly as cost-efficient compared to bulldozing formerly open space

and would surely raise rents for store owners and reduce their hiring rates

allowing citizens to cheaply purchase exported American drugs via Canada

could pose serious health risks and threaten the noble BigPharma research process

which could only make medications more expensive and send more jobs overseas

for at the end of another day of the greedy and self-serving

who anonymously risk their egos to grow rich in the corporate shadows

what better way to cow working consumers and government officials than

to threaten them with higher prices and the loss of their precious jobs

Hurry Up And Damn MAGA

Hurry up and get the government out of the ‘business’ of habitat preservation

Make haste and put jesus front and center in all our courtrooms and legislatures

Let’s rapidly streamline these burdensome and costly mining and drilling regulations

Our opponents partisan stalling is at the root of our most serious problems

Quickly dump these time-consuming environmental impact statements

End the charade today and let’s get all the oil we can from anywhere we want

The people deserve to see our complete vision enacted in its entirety

Quash this talk of a right to privacy and get on with unaudited secret surveillance

Hurry up and gerrymander all the voting districts with unbeatable majorities

Abruptly end Title 9, handicapped access and all this BS affirmative action

These endless rancorous debates are paralyzing our government bodies

Quickly now, terminate all entitlement programs and end corporate taxes

This very afternoon let’s abolish these meddlesome Clean Water and Endangered Species Acts

Immediately allow all vehicles anytime and anywhere on all our public lands

We need to rid ourselves of this poisonous atmosphere of political acrimony

Cut to the chase and allow mineral extraction wherever, whenever and however

Spin off our under-utilized forests via open bidding to encourage unfettered development now

Hurry up and get prayer back into the classrooms right along with Intelligent Design

Too much energy is being wasted in polarized, non-productive arguments

Right now - Post a 30 day eviction notice on the door of that godless United Nations

Quit stalling and just pack the court full with those who share our enlightened views

Immediately ban all forms of artificial contraception and sex education to those under 25

We can eliminate many conflicts forever by finally making some decisions

Quickly institute mandatory prayer and bible study in all our public schools

Make a rapid purge of the liberals controlling our colleges and the media

Let us use sound bites and prayer to make the tough decisions we need never regret

Right now lift all emissions and mileage regulations from our new vehicles

Abruptly end government-funded public radio and television for good

Hurry up and abolish the minimum wage and ban all forms of unions

We must make our decisions and write them all down and get on with things

Make a quick and final exit from species preservation and re-introduction

Immediately empower confidential government policy-making boards led by industry executives

Simply quit subsidizing or even encouraging recycling and conservation completely

Marginalize these whining squishes now so we can make clearer plans for our future

End race-based quotas and assistance to the children of poverty after lunch

Abolish these stifling offshore drilling restrictions before leaving today

Use endless rapid repetition of slickly-packaged simple messages to establish guiding truths

Put all of the public-housing and property-stealing national monuments up for sale tomorrow

Quickly make it impossible to obtain information outside of official sources

Govern best by doing less, trusting in God, the marketplace and anonymous corporate donors

Immediately put a cap on punitive damages any way industry sees fit

Right away re-classify all politically sensitive documents as secret

Quickly eliminate the EPA, lay off its workers and cancel its mandates

Silence the foolish gun control whiners forever with court decisions and new legislation

Terminate these non-productive federally-funded climate studies immediately

Right away start teaching Traditional Family ValuesÔ and the Bible in our public schools

Let us do these things with candor and energy and record our results

Eliminate this misguided national endowment for the arts as fast as you can

Abolish quotas on technical visas and give bigger tax breaks for outsourcing jobs

Drop all these socialist controls and give the free market complete control of the healthcare industry

Hurry up and let consumers decide the fate of remaining old-growth forests

Quickly make it official practice to edit and censure federal research papers

Immediately further the spread of democracy at will via military force

This incessant quarrelling is tiring and stands in the way of our real progress

Replace all burdensome government oversight with non-binding self-regulation

Speedily stop the endless appeals on extraction and development projects

Starting now, give all aid only through the faith-based charities of our supporters

Enough of mere drips and drabs, riders and amendments – full speed ahead!

Quickly stop the debate and simply ban all abortions. Period.

Right away we need to give new owners full control over their leveraged wetland properties

Let such actions replace empty rhetoric and the results can be recorded for posterity

Provide permanent relief of excessive tax burdens on the wealthy right now

Make it official today that all poverty benefits simply trickle down from the rich

Let it all come to pass and let everyone be judged for their part

Offer black convicts slavery and prejudice reparations in the form of one-way tickets to Africa

Speedily make implanted smart card IDs mandatory for all migrant workers

Give us a chance to bring our democratic, faith-based vision to full fruition now

Rapidly free our corporations from uncompetitive pension and benefit burdens

Fast track an amendment for annual increases in military spending into our sacred constitution

We have a clear vision going forward, just let’s quickly remove the obstacles in our path

Hapless Heartland Homeboy

I’m a six-pack cowboy ridin the range between beer joints in my loud pickup truck

I work a hard outside job for my money while shrugging off yet another hangover

smoke my Marboros because they’re made fer us tough but lonely cowboys

hawk up green slyme and casually toss my butts straight down on the ground

don’t trust them slick liberal boys in ther fancy new york suits

grew up in crowded apartments but replanted my roots to the country

been divorced three times and I’m way behind on alimony and child support

Budweiser is still the king of beers and NASCAR is the greatest sport ever

support our boys overseas protectin us from them sick terrorist sonsabitches

love that Oscar Meyer bologna on white bread with a little Frinch’s mustard

got a friend who cooks up good meth in his trailer down by the interstate

My girlfriend sometimes even cleans the toilet when she’s on that stuff

lost my license on another DUI and I still cain’t afford no car insurance

had three teeth pulled but it dinit hurt too much what with the Vicadin and beer

not really a part of the trash I live and work and play and sleep in ever day

My story don’t sound too bad when I’m sitting on a barstool durin happy hour

need new tires on the pickup and the muffler and the bumper are falling off

get 127 channels from the dish on the big screen I financed down to the mall

was late on the rent again but did charge the little lady a new weight loss plan

tore up my old credit card and got me anothern with no interest - fer 3 months!

lost my last job because of the goddamn terrorists and them yellow librals

Found a really old speeding ticket underneath the truck seat after my arrest

got them presents on sale late on Christmas eve over to the Wal-Mart

Left that puppy behind at the last rental after it shit all over the house and yard

got two boys who cain’t read but damn shore know how ta fight

They don’t do too good in school, but then, it looks like I turned out all right

smacked the old lady in the eye after we got home late from drinking

Then she used up our whole dam phone card bawling to her fat, slutty mother

got some dents and primer paint on the pickup but it still looks like a fightin vehicle

Boy, the sound of that country music makes me wanna drain off this last beer

like to look down on women’s legs in their little cars from my pickup’s seat

Praise Jesus and fuck that evolution cuz I ain’t kin ta no damn monkeys

like to fish and hunt and love to go camp in the great outdoors

save money by changing my oil in the woods right nexta where I dump my trash

got guns to protect me from when them black helicopters come

I say we get the USA out of the damn UN and the stinkin UN out of the USA

making less but gas and rent and food and cable cost more all the time

have to say I’m pretty satisfied with the way that things are goin

rolled all my bills into one monthly payment and the bar still cashes my paycheck

My 14 year old daughter run away and got knocked up by some ugly truck driver

want to trade in my snow machine on a Harley as soon as it warms up

There’s yellow shit underneath my toenails and scabs that don’t heal on my arms

I never took no welfare but I gotta say we did camp out for a while last summer

We took baths with paper towels in the restrooms down ta the Conoco

slapped the wife around for buying kids clothes at the Goodwill

don’t buy much flour or rice but we do eat a lotta Doritos and Reese’s Cups

don’t see no big-boy pickups in fronta Starbucks buying them gimmick lattes

Health food aint nethin but expensive BS fer queers and dumbass liberals

think my eyes are still good cuz I don’t set there reading all the time

Got my tax refund early from a payday loaner and bought the kids a xBox

couldn’t be cooped up in some office all day long at some freakin’ little desk

I’ll take the freedom to piss all over a different construction site every summer

I say God Bless America! and you cain love her or you cain just go ahead and leave her

Do’t cared that all my clothes are made in China and my gas money funds them tearwrists

don’t give a shit about no pollution and Hey! What has any damn polar bear ever done fer me?

The old lady’s got a little sugar but she’s still two full tons of real fun

took the kids to Vegas on vacation last time I got unemployment

Jimmy Jr split his head wide open while I was inside playing blackjack

caught somethin nasty from the waitress down ta the Dew Drop Inn

Told the wife I got bit up when I was out hunting with the boys

almost bought me a pre-fab but thanks ta the liberals, the gotdamn loan fell through

My sister has six kids and her old man run off three years ago

gonna get me a little spread and one of them fancy ridin lawnmowers

My dumbass kid just got his nose pierced and has a tattoo of a skull

keep a pistol o the passenger seat on my way to work, jest in case

The brother-in-law went to jail for gettin beat up in a bar by an off-duty cop

like to relax by sliding dollar bills down inside exotic dancers panties

The house is full of roaches and the fuckin’ landlord just don’t care

got drunk and dropped the turkey so I slapped the shit outta the kids

Went down to the tavern and left the boys in the truck with Big Gulps

forgot about the damn school play and bawled the wife out for being late with dinner

There’s hairs all stuck in some dried up yellow crud on our bathroom floor

won’t smoke no cheap-ass generic cigarettes just to save 50 cents a pack

always buy me a couple of lotto tickets, just in case, you know, heh-heh

swore off going to any church but I talk with jesus most every day

Thick, curly hair is growin at funny angles out my ears and my nose

don’t own no damn computer and I say screw the whole fekin Internet

So, let’s round up all them Mexicans and make the Homos string ‘em up

pissed a little blood on Sunday morning and got this cough that don’t go away

The kids got sent home from school again becausa them damn head lice

still like my beer but you can jest toss them vegetables out for the rabbits

My buddy broke a bottle on my forehead and we still don’t remember why

I’m 5’9” and 160 lbs. of evil little fuckup and I threaten bicycles with my pickup

Just the other day I run down two stray cats who couldn’t move fast enough

got grease under my fingernails and I’m white as a ghost under my wife-beater shirt

got no more butt left but I’m working on a real nice little beer belly

pitch them McDonald wrappers straight out the truck as I lick my dirty fingers clean

fity oz Mountain Dews keep me goin through them tough afternoons at the job

don’t know no percents, fractions are real small and I don’t count my change

Sumbuddy’s gotta have a money angle on this bullshit global warming stuff

got a bald spot under my ball cap but I don’t need no goddamn Viagra, baby

My mom has a little trailer where she watches Survivor and sips her Bourbon

chased a deer for an hour on my snowmobile before we run outta beer

Without no health insurance, we just take the kids down ta the ER whenever they get hurt

Abortion’s a gotdam sin, flag burning surely a crime and the 10 commandments are the law

I say we nuke them mothfakers first and then maybe later try to sort it out

we got to stop the queers and liberals from overrunning the whole damn country

Let’s just go over there and take all their shittin’ oil and shut them the fuck right up

To hell with recycling - until you pay me for it, I got better things to do

often fall asleep on the couch and snore with my mouth open and the TV on

don’t own no suit, cant tie no tie and don’t wear no fancy damn cologne

got leathery wrinkles on the back of my skinny, sunburned neck

like to whip somebody’s ass and I don’t want no more Anger Management class

got me a real job building townhomes for some dumbass urban numbnuts

don’t do no housework but I make some mean burgers on the grill

Too much school turns you into some kind of friggin’ pussy

warm up the truck for ten minutes outside the apartment when it’s cold

Rentin videos and a bag of potato chips are cheaper than a babysitter

try to splash the fuckin joggers when I drive by em in the rain

why would anybody in their right mind ever go for a stinkin’ walk

got a thing going with Lois who sells us doughnuts at the job site

like to build me a deck off the modular and put up one of them bubbly hottubs

don’t take no gotdam vitamins or put some silly shit on my hands

school says Ricky needs glasses but it ain’t none of their damn business

some fucker tried to trick me into a payment plan for braces for the kid

the old lady’s veins are all swol up and her ankles are getting real fat

we got us a family bible standing up by the DVDs in the entertainment center

you shoulda seen the tits on that blonde in the magazine in the portapotty

like to trade in my old pickup on a brand new Silverado if I could get the credit

gonna buy me a boat and take the whole family fishin’ out to the lake

ruint the carpet at the last place but the landlord screwed us so we didn’t clean it

got $18 and a half a tank of gas that’s gonna last me ‘til this friday

So We Chose To Be Like This?

So we save the jobs, cut the trees and extinguish the spotted owls

When the old growth is all cut and exported what jobs then remain

If we saved the trees and retrained a few lumberjacks right now

Maybe there would be some tourist jobs in the old growth along with the owls

So we spend a couple trillion to secure democracy and oil in the middle east

When the fields are tapped and sent to China what will Big Oil then provide us?

If we spent a quarter of that money to develop energy independence

Maybe we could abandon the Sheiks and Imams to the biting flies of their stinking desert

So we tithe without question a half a trillion every year to the god of war

Why then can’t we prevail against their homemade IEDs and crude truck bombs?

If we took three quarters of that budget for education, infrastructure, health and the old

Maybe we would actually be ready to meet any real challenger who might arise

So we go ahead and tap our arctic wilderness for a small petroleum reserve

When we consume all of what little there is today, it’s just gone forever

If we simply waited while technology got better at doing more with less

Possibly they could drill cleaner and safer sometime when we really need it

So we spend more every year on prisons for petty minority drug users and hookers

What value flows to society for the costs of their miserable upkeep

If we legalized and regulated, taxed and collected fees instead

we might even spend more on schools and put the pimps and pushers out of business

So we open up the forests to entrepreneurs and activities of any stripe

When it’s all built out, what then will we turn our holy bulldozer crusade against?

If we preserve what rightfully belongs to generations yet to come

Maybe they can tap potentials that we have never even dreamed of

So we conglomerate and merge and automate and globalize to the limit

When every worker toils for pennies, who then can afford the flood of goods?

If we lower the human population and use resources more efficiently

Maybe we won’t all have be reduced to a miserable common denominator

So we open a Wal*Mart close to everyone in this exceptionist land of ours

Local businesses are buried beneath their semis stuffed with imports

If we have to pay a little more than for their asian knockoffs and cheapened generics

Perhaps our towns will retain a bit of diversity and a few real jobs

So we ban sex education, contraception, abortion and preach solemnly of abstinence

Since our children learn so very little as it is, why would that ever work?

If we implanted contraceptives in all those first-time unwed mothers and irresponsible dads

Maybe we could end the multi-generational cycle of babies born on welfare

So we embrace religion in government and let them interpret our Father’s intent

Are we more righteous than those who rule thru the violent twisting of the Koran?

If we leave religion out of both government and foreign policy

Maybe we could live more peacefully with those we will truly never understand

So we made the jobs so bad that we wont take them but those despicable illegales will

How can we stop them breeding and staying and bringing in their friends and families?

If we make every job simply decent, then none would remain beneath us

Maybe we could retain our own standard of living, our language and our traditions

So we plunge bravely on under the aegis of faceless corporate supply side economics

Creating an angry, armed mob of outsourced techies and the proudly-ignorant poor

Perhaps formulaic slash and burn capitalism is not really the way to a free market utopia

Possibly there’s a steady-state economy in which overpaid sociopathic CEOs have no place

So they continue reducing issues to clever sound bites and catchy slogans

That way our political leaders on either side have no need of an educated population

If we send the spin doctors back to hyping products instead of selling the issues like dish soap

our brave leaders would have to learn to speak to us for themselves

so we wait until the price of oil makes it too expensive to drive to work

then they tell us it’s just a simple matter of consumer supply and our demand

they could see the supply was running low but demand just kept on increasing

but they never did a thing and now their powerful petro-donors reap a fortune

so we closed all the factories and outsourced all the engineering overseas

put the customer support in India and got all the latest numbers on computer

we invested only in the marketing and sales machines here at headquarters

but now the buyers realize our wondrous brand is simply more cheapass chinese shit

so we keep repeating that ours is The Finest Healthcare System In The World

but the admin costs, infant mortality and life expectancies don’t bear it out at all

though the money we spend tops everybody but we actually cure less but pay far more

and 50 million have the right to choose any ER they wish for their family healthcare

so we let em churn worthless home loans OKd just by greedy salesmen

and gave em cash back at closing to re-supply their credit cards

now we see they’re too big to fail so we must bail them out

once again the wisdom of unregulated free market solutions is revealed

so we react only when issues turn to crises but population keeps on increasing

muddling through with the quick and dirty, blind luck and the just for now

mortgaging the planet’s future behind winking smirks and infallible personal saviors

until it’s too expensive, widespread and complicated for us to do anything at all...

An End To The Squishes

We resolve that religious dogma shall trump fuzzy science in our children’s education

Human economic needs must simply shatter the costly scam fantasies of wacko environmentalists

No longer shall we be constrained by habitat conservation for such as tiny owls or ugly boreal toads

Wasteful oversight processes must be streamlined, sped up or, preferably, simply abandoned

Conservation shall be rightly viewed as the lifestyle choice of some silly fringe element

Outside developers attaining local control will bring about the world we seek

Donor lobbyists shall enshrine self-regulation as the norm for all industry

Evolution is merely a shaky theory and abortion is an important governmental issue

So-called climate change is a hoax drawn up by the lifestyle police

The liberal elite shall lose their awful control through free market media conglomeration

We must keep citizens safe from imported drugs manufactured in America

We make sound policy decisions based upon private dialogues with our personal saviors

Patriotic, God-fearing citizens need not worry about domestic intelligence gathering

Accessibility means sharing the new mining and drilling roads in all of our national lands

Producers should be free export our fracked petroleum independence for tidy profite

Our so-called ‘core rate of inflation’ is actually a reality-based statistic

Emergency response to disasters and to terrorism are two different tasks

We can enhance our security and economy by pumping all of our oil right now

Defense spending is sacrosanct, off the table, and must continually increase

God decrees that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman, period.

Universal health care is a dead socialist pipedream which failed many times, long ago

Social security reform is one of our most critical budgetary issues in the short term

The free market can provide a sustainable environment and affordable health care

There is no purpose to showing our soldiers dying and coming home in boxes – so it’s banned

Freedom and democracy can be spread through intimidation and invasion

Outsourcing jobs ultimately benefits all levels of our great society

Re-districting to attain political control is part of our democratic heritage

Energy-efficient cars are dangerous, cheap, uncomfortable, weak and unwanted

Cutting taxes while increasing spending is sound conservative economic policy

Pruning industries by encouraging cheap imports enhances consumer affordability

Top leaders should learn via issue advisers and make decisions in private talks with personal saviors

Our puppet states should maintain a sound separation of church and state

BigAg Taste tests indicate no taste benefit from organic foods and they are too expensive as well

The right to make noise is enshrined in the constitution, but privacy is not

Economic development is independent of the biosphere in which it occurs

We must continually remind God to bless this land whenever speaking to the public

Plastic decals on our imported cars are honest displays of our patriotism

The right to gas-powered recreation on public lands should be protected

We can prevent forests fires by bringing in logging firms to clear cut the big trees

Urban planning is anathema to economic growth, job creation and happy families

The No net loss of wetlands initiative was an example of good government environmental stewardism

Free market elections mean the recipient of the most donations wins office

The decline of amphibians and songbirds has no place in domestic policy

The operations of our federal parks should be turned over to entrepreneurs

The struggle in Iraq has always been intimately linked to a war on terrorism

Misguided, coal-fearing zealots would see us shivering in dark homes eating cold oatmeal

Man was created less than 10,000 years ago, apart from and above, all of the animals

Economies of scale are appropriate for all manner of societal activity

Gun control is wrong as long as the military maintains its overwhelming weapons superiority

That evil weed is rightly the number one enemy in the holy war against all drugs

SUVs, vans and pickups should remain exempt from emissions and mileage regulations

We flatly reject international treaties on women’s rights, land mines and chemical weapons

Providing birth control to third world countries is against our exceptionist moral values

Homosexuality is simply a sinful lifestyle choice requiring a faith-based healing

Globalization will increase everyone’s standard of living

Professional sports are an integral part of the very fabric of our society

Old Europe holds no lessons and provides no new ideas useful to us

All or nothing Omnibus Spending Bills, loaded with pork, nourish the democratic process

The government should get out of the ‘business’ of habitat preservation

Building prisons works more economically than community intervention

Government-funded scientific results should be edited for political purposes

Energy independence does not require some silly ‘Moon Landing’ type effort

A  twangy, macho, evangelical pitch wins the vote of the growing under-crust

Issues are best addressed by simply staying on short and catchy messages – for as long as it takes

Should minorities become disenchanted with voting, they can then be totally ignored

The secret gathering of private information is a proper governmental strategy

Anything short of your unequivocal support amounts to cowardly treason

Loyalty is more important than competence in our subordinates

A smoggy Grand Canyon is but a small price to pay to air condition Las Vegas

As a chosen people, we alone shall execute a policy of exceptionalism

The Department Of Homeland Security reflects our small government philosophy

Multi-generational poverty can be corrected by tax cuts for the very richest

Manufacturers bear no responsibility for packaging materials or wornout products       

Multinational conglomerates have our citizens best interests and futures in their hearts

If free trade brought in some alien snail which killed all the ash trees, who really cares?

Social Darwinism is a tacitly accepted part of God’s mysterious plan for us all

Drinking, smoking and gambling are legal but prostitution is a sinful crime

GDP figures are a quite realistic indicator of our nation’s economic well-being

Yes, we can tout math and science teaching even as we belittle and ignore scientists

Trying to get more while using less is a symptom of weakness and is likely effeminate

Environmental standards need to be reviewed in light of our energy needs

Biodegradable petroleum-based fast food wrappers are our type of litter solution

We choose to eave chemical and electric plants unguarded but employ a StarWars missile defense

What have those starving polar bears really ever done for our country, anyway

New suburbs and strip malls are sure signs of a prosperous and growing nation

Lobbyists and Influence peddlers are respected players in our esteemed political process

Huge SUVs and brand-new McMansions epitomize the American dream

Liberals are skinny, pasty, yellow crybabies whining in shorts and sandals with socks

It would be contrary to God’s law to require jobs, training and a license to have a child

Planning for our children’s future is best accomplished through quarterly sales forecasting

We should look first to God’s teaching with regards to the moral use of human embryos

Drive-thru fast food restaurants save us time which we can use later to enrich our lives

Social programs are inherently wasteful and foolish and really should all be abolished

However, the government can manage far more massive military spending efficiently and honestly

We can proceed with absolute certainty once we have spoken with our personal Savior

Our government simply does not outsource kidnapping, imprisonment, torture or abuse

A leveling of the economic playing field will result in increased prosperity for us all

Farm subsidies to agribusiness are a wise and efficient use of our tax dollars

Activist judges have subverted the constitution and the will of the people and must be replaced

Ronald Reagan certainly was one of the greatest of all American presidents and heroes

Oil companies work hard to earn record profits when speculation skyrockets prices

The government has no role to play in protecting species threatened by our ordained progress

The highly-profitable sale of subsidized armaments is a good way to promote world peace

The liberation of the Iraqi people has nothing to do with their oil reserves

Profitably exporting our new-found, fracked energy independence will be good for us all

Our system and values provide a model which we should be proud to export across the world

The vast liberal media warps our good conservative works by focusing only on bad news

Unattributed government press releases provide for a consistently more balanced assessment

Actually, career politicians simply know how to get things accomplished down in Washington

Flag burning, abortion and marriage amendments are properly very high on our list of priorities

The Ten Commandments are actually the basis of our religious freedom and government

Traitorous and whiney second-guessers only serve to put our brave troops at risk

We must not let the sacrifices made for our colossal blunders ever even appear to be in vain

Manmade areas, such as swimming pools, can be factored into our No Net Loss Of Wetlands policy

Crafting our nation’s energy policy is best done in secret by that industry’s leaders

We must build new infrastructure and provide free health care to Iraqis, but not Americans

The metastasis of Wal*Mart is acceptable but stem cell research is immoral

It is good practice to hire marketing firms for the ongoing culture wars

Winking as businesses enslave illegal workers for next to nothing is advantageous for our economy

The people should tacitly trust us in the covert actions the government takes on their behalf

Climate change, though likely a fictional scam, should be reacted to, but not planned for

An intimate, personal relationship with our savior helps us fight those Middle East religious fanatics

Demean, Diminish, Disgrace, Dishonor

Not to be confused with Reusing, Refurbishing, Repurposing, Recycling

Subverting simple will to faith with the worn-out fictions of intolerant religions

Casually exterminating the bluefin tuna, albatross, dolphin, cod and salmon as mere bycatch

Pumping the sales of cheap imports via artificial guilt created solely for phony merchant holidays

Posting warning signs but not cleaning up the poisoned waters of our lakes and rivers

Letting advertising and entertainment set a totally vapid national agenda

Shaking our heads without taking meaningful action as each new genocide unfolds

Forever fighting wasteful wars and urging our inexperienced youth on to a tragically-false glory

Watching fresh water dwindle and being horribly polluted while letting our population swell

Witnessing our casual gases ending snowfall and spreading hot deserts to our doors

Stockpiling chemical and bio-weapons in case our many nukes are not quite enough

Plowing under fertile farmland for cheap strip malls, offices and ‘convenience stores’

Going it fumblingly alone in ill-conceived, immoral wars with no plan for the peace

Finding false virtue in the long hours but never asking about the meaning in the work

Spending more on building prisons than on maintaining our children’s schools

Wiping out the bears and tigers for some horrid oriental impotence fantasy

Destroying the orangutan’s habitat to ship ancient hardwoods off to Japan forever

Finding our Bonobo brethren in the local meat markets, shot with AK-47s

Discovering lots of our dioxins and PCBs in the rich milk of mother seals

Squabbling over destroying the 2% of old-growth forest that has somehow escaped us

Allowing coal-fired mercury and diesel emissions to poison the infants in mother’s wombs

Wasting money and alienating societies with a ridiculous and failed war on drugs

Nurturing the tragedies of tobacco, alcohol and gambling to retain their tax revenues

Furthering ignorance by portraying creationism as a scientific theory & climate change as bunk

Spending so goddamn much public time on the very private issue of abortion

Letting teenaged grand-daughters of under-aged mothers raise more babies all alone

Cutting every social program but preserving generous tax cuts for the rich

Wiping out the last amazon aborigines through slash and burn by the poor from city slums

Erecting trophy homes while the poor subsist on castoffs and live under cardboard

Allowing faceless and amoral global corporations to dictate domestic and foreign policy for profit

Perpetually stalling socio-environmental progress with the same phony jobs and money mantra

Watching corporate chains put an end to small business by abusing Chinese workers

Outsourcing CEOs signing off on 14 hour peasant work days at poverty wages and calling it progress

Taking pride in corporate agriculture and ignoring its subsidized price fixing

Coating our fields with poisons, fertilizers and fossil water while abusing disposable illegal labor

Fighting emission and fuel regulations instead of engineering better vehicles

Cynically labeling energy efficiency and recycling as small virtues of dubious social value

Backing self-enriching dictators if they allow multinationals to drain off their resources

Clucking self-righteously at grinding poverty which we view as ordained by our own one true god

Allowing immigrants to Balkanize us by providing their old languages in our ads and government

Estranging ourselves from our European brethren and ancestors, to our own great loss

Enriching fracking petro-giants as supplies dwindle without seeking out alternatives

Being required to piously intoning “God Bless America” after every carefully scripted speech

Finding childish pleasure in ATVs, Jet Skis, Snowmobiles and loud truck mufflers

Scoffing with macho disdain at geeks who read, write, solve and contemplate

Actually feeling real anticipation over a media sports event or some reality tv show finale

Twisting tired and worn-out biblical fairy tales into a self-serving, literal truth

Worshiping a system that raises prices with scarcity and thus encourages extinctions & shortages

Selling the fantasy that a negative savings rate allows you to continue to live beyond your means

Regurgitating sound bytes instead of considering issues for ourselves

Preaching that the “jury is still out” on global warming as well as evolution

Feeding cattle grain they cannot digest while people starve and farmland disappears

Not even realizing the vast unsustainablity of our self-destructive lifestyle

India pridefully becoming the most populous nation even when most live like dirty urban rodents

Inflating profits, lying to investors, stealing fortunes and then having folksy memoirs created

Not speaking up at all as the country plunges blindly into a dark night of ignorance and poverty

Lacking any awareness of the worldwide die-off of say, the amphibians and songbirds

Convincing deadended peasants to crusade by pitting one imaginary spiteful god against another

Institutionalizing constant and expensive warfare instead of actually seeking to eliminate it

Glorifying the conquest, subjugation, extermination & destruction of the New World

Vilifying only the losers of every war for their hideous crimes against humanity

Exporting intellectual jobs while pricing higher education out of reach

Gutting pristine mountain habitat for the benefit of the recreation & tourist industries

Attaching narrow-minded evangelical moral strictures on aid to people of faraway cultures

Passing bans on drug re-importation at lower prices over phony, soundbite safety issues

Not creating a moon landing effort for clean energy independence but bailing out the venal bankers

Disabusing world accord via mouthing the transparently stupid lies of industry donors

Melting tropical glacial water reservoirs without the slightest care or regret

Extending the deserts and letting the good topsoil blow across the emptied seas

Labeling any who criticize our doctrines as unpatriotic cowards who undermine our efforts

Spending more on so-called ‘defense’ than the rest of the world combined

Falsely portraying a greedy bulldoze and unplanned sprawl ethic as healthy economic progress

Somehow honoring as patriotic those imported plastic flag decals that adorn our obese vehicles

Allowing amoral agribusiness giants to treat gentle domesticated lifeforms as factory raw materials

Praising free elections in districts illegally re-drawn to ensure your own perpetual control

CEOs defaulting on pension plans and thus earning fat bonuses from the temporary stock rise

Workers expecting more for doing less every year and learning nothing new on their own time

Guiltlessly sticking to bad decisions made in private talks with our personal saviors

Settling issues through simply remaining doggedly on the scripted message of our donors

Explaining mass extinctions and global warming as simple geologic-scale variations

Pushing to get the government out of the so-called ‘business of habitat preservation’

Trusting that billions of selfish, isolated decisions will somehow result in an optimal world

Gutting the land, poisoning the water and selling off resources just to get rich quickly

Violating personal liberties freely on the basis of terrorism and national security

Destroying a society and then telling its people that it’s now their problem to solve

Exporting all kinds of weapons and raw materials but no factory goods

Replacing a heritage of wide open spaces with coast-to-coast, cloned corporate strip malls

Remaining silent, getting by, being comfortable and not making waves

Forgoing savings, abandoning our parents and drugging our children

Calling endless angry repetition of fictional corporate sound bites a reasoned debate

Leaving a lesser world in the filthy wake of our short-sighted and greedy, so-called progress

Hey! We’re All Doin Pretty Well

Them orcas are full of fire retardants from whatever shit they eat

But actually, we’re doing OK with cheap hamburger on soft white buns

Dumbass chimps and orangs are disappearing right along with their icky jungles

Got me a new chainsaw and a cellphone, things aren’t going so bad

Stinkin’ polar bears are getting skinny cause that pack ice is meltin

Pretty satisfied with my modular and my loud pickup truck

Fucked up tigers are all giving their penises to make some kinda of soup

Happily, we bought a new car in our smog-filled northern Chinese city

Lazy, stupid salmon can’t swim past dams or lay their eggs in a little silt

I get my beer on sale and I really can’t complain

Why can’t these sneakin’ lynx and wolverines live in a safe corporate forest

We got us a new big screen and we’re doing pretty well

Stupid sharks can’t even swim after we cut off their fins to make expensive soup

There’s a new well in our village and more children are surviving in poverty

Numbnut albatrosses don’t know enough to stay away from our longlines

What with that new WalMart close by and all, things are looking up

Fekin’ caribou don’t pay no goddamn taxes anyway

Finally got that rotten tooth pulled and my outlook has really improved

I say I don’t give a damn about no tropical mountain glaciers melting

Happily, we got that microloan and I am selling tea by the road

It’s just bullshit what they’re sayin’ about some smog in that Grand Canyon

When gas goes down a little, why, things will pick up again

Fuck a buncha’ candyass environmentalists right up their imaginary ozone holes

I just set there in my truck with the AC on and it ain’t all that bad

Lazy little Forest People need to get off their asses and find some real jobs

Sold a bunch of furs to Chinese tourists and fixed up our old yurt

What the hell is this squishy, handicapped, faggot eco-communism, anyway?

Dynamited enough fish to sell to the restaurant over by the tourist bar

Ain’t it a goddamn shame about all them nasty mines, you squishy pussies

We got light and heat and juice ta play our new GameBoy online

I’m jst sayin’, there ain’t no such thing as that there acid rain

Got a warm purple coat from the GoodWill far off in America

Diesel semis and power plants don’t really hurt them little kids

We only walk just a little bit farther every day to cut our firewood

What’s a goddamn stupid grizzly bear ever done for me, anyway

Looking forward to the big game coming up again this weekend

There’s so fuckin’ many trees anyway, who really gives a damn

Finally found a wife strong enough to deliver her own children

Jesus said be fruitful, multiply and take dominion over the earth and its creatures

We just burned us off a couple rain forest acres and planted a little corn

To hell with yer silly damn recycling bullshit, I got better things to do

Now we have a sturdy roof made from many cardboard layers

I say good riddance to them shittin’ songbirds and them useless frogs

We got the refer full of canned beer and a big bag of potato chips

Who says this water’s dirty, these fish look fine to me

Found a job cleaning toilets and share a room with eight other pendejos

This crap about global warming is gonna’ cost us a lot of jobs and money

We got no health insurance but they take care of the kids down to the ER

I don’t give a half a fart if some monkey-fucker dies of AIDS

Got some of that new Meth from the big plant down in Mexico

Why all the ruckus over some Chinese getting flu from sleepin’ with his duck

Had us a bigowd double cheese meat lovers pizza brung right to the apartment

It’s our goddamn right to take the ATV anywhere in the woods that we want

Doin’ pretty well drivin’ semis wearin’ cowboy boots and hats

Let’s get all that Alaskan oil and to hell with that stinkin’ wilderness

The wife works down to WalMart and we finally got Mom on Medicaid

Friggin’ health food is three times more expensive than good old MickeyD’s

Gettin’ me some nice loud mufflers just like on them cool NASCAR pick-ups

I hear they make good money up there clubbin’ down baby seals

Why, my pit bull tore up some stupid fuckin’ Labrador just the other day

How about we head over there and just take all their goddamn oil

Praise jesus and fuck all this evolution bullshit

I say just nuke ‘em first and maybe sort it out a little later

Grandfather’s potency was restored with a bit of rhino horn

If it’s getting so much hotter why the hell is my heating bill so high

Rolled over to a new credit card with no interest for six whole months

My boys don’t need to read but I made damn sure they know how to fight

We make a decent living selling the meat that we poach in the national park

We’re saving the planet in our 3 ton, 300 horsepower hybrid SUVs

Change my pickup oil myself on a back road in the trees by the creek

My wife and kids got the diabetes but we picked up some free meds

Felt so much better I gave half the TB pills to my neighbors

The government put up toilets and the streams are much better now for bathing

Happily our daughter lives with 18 friends while working in the city

We’ve got a martyred son in heaven who helped our leaders smash the great Satan

I got no issues with the wars ‘cause in ‘Nam the dope was good

They gave us a new red plastic Jerry can to go and haul out our drinking water

Since they stopped the rape and shooting in the camp we’re doing pretty well