So We Chose To Be Like This?

So we save the jobs, cut the trees and extinguish the spotted owls

When the old growth is all cut and exported what jobs then remain

If we saved the trees and retrained a few lumberjacks right now

Maybe there would be some tourist jobs in the old growth along with the owls

So we spend a couple trillion to secure democracy and oil in the middle east

When the fields are tapped and sent to China what will Big Oil then provide us?

If we spent a quarter of that money to develop energy independence

Maybe we could abandon the Sheiks and Imams to the biting flies of their stinking desert

So we tithe without question a half a trillion every year to the god of war

Why then can’t we prevail against their homemade IEDs and crude truck bombs?

If we took three quarters of that budget for education, infrastructure, health and the old

Maybe we would actually be ready to meet any real challenger who might arise

So we go ahead and tap our arctic wilderness for a small petroleum reserve

When we consume all of what little there is today, it’s just gone forever

If we simply waited while technology got better at doing more with less

Possibly they could drill cleaner and safer sometime when we really need it

So we spend more every year on prisons for petty minority drug users and hookers

What value flows to society for the costs of their miserable upkeep

If we legalized and regulated, taxed and collected fees instead

we might even spend more on schools and put the pimps and pushers out of business

So we open up the forests to entrepreneurs and activities of any stripe

When it’s all built out, what then will we turn our holy bulldozer crusade against?

If we preserve what rightfully belongs to generations yet to come

Maybe they can tap potentials that we have never even dreamed of

So we conglomerate and merge and automate and globalize to the limit

When every worker toils for pennies, who then can afford the flood of goods?

If we lower the human population and use resources more efficiently

Maybe we won’t all have be reduced to a miserable common denominator

So we open a Wal*Mart close to everyone in this exceptionist land of ours

Local businesses are buried beneath their semis stuffed with imports

If we have to pay a little more than for their asian knockoffs and cheapened generics

Perhaps our towns will retain a bit of diversity and a few real jobs

So we ban sex education, contraception, abortion and preach solemnly of abstinence

Since our children learn so very little as it is, why would that ever work?

If we implanted contraceptives in all those first-time unwed mothers and irresponsible dads

Maybe we could end the multi-generational cycle of babies born on welfare

So we embrace religion in government and let them interpret our Father’s intent

Are we more righteous than those who rule thru the violent twisting of the Koran?

If we leave religion out of both government and foreign policy

Maybe we could live more peacefully with those we will truly never understand

So we made the jobs so bad that we wont take them but those despicable illegales will

How can we stop them breeding and staying and bringing in their friends and families?

If we make every job simply decent, then none would remain beneath us

Maybe we could retain our own standard of living, our language and our traditions

So we plunge bravely on under the aegis of faceless corporate supply side economics

Creating an angry, armed mob of outsourced techies and the proudly-ignorant poor

Perhaps formulaic slash and burn capitalism is not really the way to a free market utopia

Possibly there’s a steady-state economy in which overpaid sociopathic CEOs have no place

So they continue reducing issues to clever sound bites and catchy slogans

That way our political leaders on either side have no need of an educated population

If we send the spin doctors back to hyping products instead of selling the issues like dish soap

our brave leaders would have to learn to speak to us for themselves

so we wait until the price of oil makes it too expensive to drive to work

then they tell us it’s just a simple matter of consumer supply and our demand

they could see the supply was running low but demand just kept on increasing

but they never did a thing and now their powerful petro-donors reap a fortune

so we closed all the factories and outsourced all the engineering overseas

put the customer support in India and got all the latest numbers on computer

we invested only in the marketing and sales machines here at headquarters

but now the buyers realize our wondrous brand is simply more cheapass chinese shit

so we keep repeating that ours is The Finest Healthcare System In The World

but the admin costs, infant mortality and life expectancies don’t bear it out at all

though the money we spend tops everybody but we actually cure less but pay far more

and 50 million have the right to choose any ER they wish for their family healthcare

so we let em churn worthless home loans OKd just by greedy salesmen

and gave em cash back at closing to re-supply their credit cards

now we see they’re too big to fail so we must bail them out

once again the wisdom of unregulated free market solutions is revealed

so we react only when issues turn to crises but population keeps on increasing

muddling through with the quick and dirty, blind luck and the just for now

mortgaging the planet’s future behind winking smirks and infallible personal saviors

until it’s too expensive, widespread and complicated for us to do anything at all...

An End To The Squishes

We resolve that religious dogma shall trump fuzzy science in our children’s education

Human economic needs must simply shatter the costly scam fantasies of wacko environmentalists

No longer shall we be constrained by habitat conservation for such as tiny owls or ugly boreal toads

Wasteful oversight processes must be streamlined, sped up or, preferably, simply abandoned

Conservation shall be rightly viewed as the lifestyle choice of some silly fringe element

Outside developers attaining local control will bring about the world we seek

Donor lobbyists shall enshrine self-regulation as the norm for all industry

Evolution is merely a shaky theory and abortion is an important governmental issue

So-called climate change is a hoax drawn up by the lifestyle police

The liberal elite shall lose their awful control through free market media conglomeration

We must keep citizens safe from imported drugs manufactured in America

We make sound policy decisions based upon private dialogues with our personal saviors

Patriotic, God-fearing citizens need not worry about domestic intelligence gathering

Accessibility means sharing the new mining and drilling roads in all of our national lands

Producers should be free export our fracked petroleum independence for tidy profite

Our so-called ‘core rate of inflation’ is actually a reality-based statistic

Emergency response to disasters and to terrorism are two different tasks

We can enhance our security and economy by pumping all of our oil right now

Defense spending is sacrosanct, off the table, and must continually increase

God decrees that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman, period.

Universal health care is a dead socialist pipedream which failed many times, long ago

Social security reform is one of our most critical budgetary issues in the short term

The free market can provide a sustainable environment and affordable health care

There is no purpose to showing our soldiers dying and coming home in boxes – so it’s banned

Freedom and democracy can be spread through intimidation and invasion

Outsourcing jobs ultimately benefits all levels of our great society

Re-districting to attain political control is part of our democratic heritage

Energy-efficient cars are dangerous, cheap, uncomfortable, weak and unwanted

Cutting taxes while increasing spending is sound conservative economic policy

Pruning industries by encouraging cheap imports enhances consumer affordability

Top leaders should learn via issue advisers and make decisions in private talks with personal saviors

Our puppet states should maintain a sound separation of church and state

BigAg Taste tests indicate no taste benefit from organic foods and they are too expensive as well

The right to make noise is enshrined in the constitution, but privacy is not

Economic development is independent of the biosphere in which it occurs

We must continually remind God to bless this land whenever speaking to the public

Plastic decals on our imported cars are honest displays of our patriotism

The right to gas-powered recreation on public lands should be protected

We can prevent forests fires by bringing in logging firms to clear cut the big trees

Urban planning is anathema to economic growth, job creation and happy families

The No net loss of wetlands initiative was an example of good government environmental stewardism

Free market elections mean the recipient of the most donations wins office

The decline of amphibians and songbirds has no place in domestic policy

The operations of our federal parks should be turned over to entrepreneurs

The struggle in Iraq has always been intimately linked to a war on terrorism

Misguided, coal-fearing zealots would see us shivering in dark homes eating cold oatmeal

Man was created less than 10,000 years ago, apart from and above, all of the animals

Economies of scale are appropriate for all manner of societal activity

Gun control is wrong as long as the military maintains its overwhelming weapons superiority

That evil weed is rightly the number one enemy in the holy war against all drugs

SUVs, vans and pickups should remain exempt from emissions and mileage regulations

We flatly reject international treaties on women’s rights, land mines and chemical weapons

Providing birth control to third world countries is against our exceptionist moral values

Homosexuality is simply a sinful lifestyle choice requiring a faith-based healing

Globalization will increase everyone’s standard of living

Professional sports are an integral part of the very fabric of our society

Old Europe holds no lessons and provides no new ideas useful to us

All or nothing Omnibus Spending Bills, loaded with pork, nourish the democratic process

The government should get out of the ‘business’ of habitat preservation

Building prisons works more economically than community intervention

Government-funded scientific results should be edited for political purposes

Energy independence does not require some silly ‘Moon Landing’ type effort

A  twangy, macho, evangelical pitch wins the vote of the growing under-crust

Issues are best addressed by simply staying on short and catchy messages – for as long as it takes

Should minorities become disenchanted with voting, they can then be totally ignored

The secret gathering of private information is a proper governmental strategy

Anything short of your unequivocal support amounts to cowardly treason

Loyalty is more important than competence in our subordinates

A smoggy Grand Canyon is but a small price to pay to air condition Las Vegas

As a chosen people, we alone shall execute a policy of exceptionalism

The Department Of Homeland Security reflects our small government philosophy

Multi-generational poverty can be corrected by tax cuts for the very richest

Manufacturers bear no responsibility for packaging materials or wornout products       

Multinational conglomerates have our citizens best interests and futures in their hearts

If free trade brought in some alien snail which killed all the ash trees, who really cares?

Social Darwinism is a tacitly accepted part of God’s mysterious plan for us all

Drinking, smoking and gambling are legal but prostitution is a sinful crime

GDP figures are a quite realistic indicator of our nation’s economic well-being

Yes, we can tout math and science teaching even as we belittle and ignore scientists

Trying to get more while using less is a symptom of weakness and is likely effeminate

Environmental standards need to be reviewed in light of our energy needs

Biodegradable petroleum-based fast food wrappers are our type of litter solution

We choose to eave chemical and electric plants unguarded but employ a StarWars missile defense

What have those starving polar bears really ever done for our country, anyway

New suburbs and strip malls are sure signs of a prosperous and growing nation

Lobbyists and Influence peddlers are respected players in our esteemed political process

Huge SUVs and brand-new McMansions epitomize the American dream

Liberals are skinny, pasty, yellow crybabies whining in shorts and sandals with socks

It would be contrary to God’s law to require jobs, training and a license to have a child

Planning for our children’s future is best accomplished through quarterly sales forecasting

We should look first to God’s teaching with regards to the moral use of human embryos

Drive-thru fast food restaurants save us time which we can use later to enrich our lives

Social programs are inherently wasteful and foolish and really should all be abolished

However, the government can manage far more massive military spending efficiently and honestly

We can proceed with absolute certainty once we have spoken with our personal Savior

Our government simply does not outsource kidnapping, imprisonment, torture or abuse

A leveling of the economic playing field will result in increased prosperity for us all

Farm subsidies to agribusiness are a wise and efficient use of our tax dollars

Activist judges have subverted the constitution and the will of the people and must be replaced

Ronald Reagan certainly was one of the greatest of all American presidents and heroes

Oil companies work hard to earn record profits when speculation skyrockets prices

The government has no role to play in protecting species threatened by our ordained progress

The highly-profitable sale of subsidized armaments is a good way to promote world peace

The liberation of the Iraqi people has nothing to do with their oil reserves

Profitably exporting our new-found, fracked energy independence will be good for us all

Our system and values provide a model which we should be proud to export across the world

The vast liberal media warps our good conservative works by focusing only on bad news

Unattributed government press releases provide for a consistently more balanced assessment

Actually, career politicians simply know how to get things accomplished down in Washington

Flag burning, abortion and marriage amendments are properly very high on our list of priorities

The Ten Commandments are actually the basis of our religious freedom and government

Traitorous and whiney second-guessers only serve to put our brave troops at risk

We must not let the sacrifices made for our colossal blunders ever even appear to be in vain

Manmade areas, such as swimming pools, can be factored into our No Net Loss Of Wetlands policy

Crafting our nation’s energy policy is best done in secret by that industry’s leaders

We must build new infrastructure and provide free health care to Iraqis, but not Americans

The metastasis of Wal*Mart is acceptable but stem cell research is immoral

It is good practice to hire marketing firms for the ongoing culture wars

Winking as businesses enslave illegal workers for next to nothing is advantageous for our economy

The people should tacitly trust us in the covert actions the government takes on their behalf

Climate change, though likely a fictional scam, should be reacted to, but not planned for

An intimate, personal relationship with our savior helps us fight those Middle East religious fanatics